Tuesday, August 30, 2011

One Way Ticket to Crazy Town!

Jake goes home. Is anyone surprised? That was the lamest cliffhanger I’ve ever witnessed. Although Jake promised us last week that he wasn’t leaving without taking other people down with him, he gives us a short speech which sounded like a haiku, and leaves. Some people thought Hurricane Irene was over-hyped, I think Jake’s exit was double over-hyped.

Kasey is pumped up because “the devil is gone.” I’m a bit confused because Vienna still seems to be there… Who knows. She immediately makes the night all about her, because what isn’t, and thanks the crew for getting rid of Jake.

The next morning, everyone wakes up and hopefully gives their teeth a serious brushing, following by the Listerine 60 Second Challenge (I’m sure Blake did), because it’s time for THE KISSING CONTEST! There is nothing more disgusting than kissing six people in a row, swapping spit left and right, sharing each others cooties. Ew. Apparently, the contestants from Bachelor Pad 1 enjoyed this competition the most. Does that surprise anyone? Remember the class of those individuals?

No one wants to compete in this challenge… Except Blake, obviously. Hopefully Melissa didn’t eat any of her famous onion pizza for breakfast because that’s sure to be an immediate disqualification. The girls are blindfolded first. The end game is that Blake rapes all of their mouths, except Vienna's because he feels Kasey guarding and protecting her lips from 5 feet away. All of the other guys respect Michael Stag’s love for his ex-fiance, but Blake goes right in for the kill.

Next up, the guys are blindfolded and Ella is winning this one for her son… Sounds creepy, but you get the jist. Apparently Kasey was too concerned about protecting Vienna and forgot to do the Listerine 60 Second Challenge that morning and had funkytown breathe. The thought of this is making me uncomfortable. (Sidenote: Biggest turn-off EVER) Holly and Michael make out, for the first time since their break-up, and then 30 seconds later, Holly shares Michael’s spit with Blake. For about 5 minutes. We all watch Stag’s heart break.

Time to tally up the votes. I bet this doesn’t come as a shocker! Ella and Blake win with an overwhelming majority… No suspense there.

Ella invites Kirk on her date… Again, no suspense. Kirk’s pumped up because he’s going out on a date with the best kisser in the house and Mama’s drivin! Kirk and Ella’s date is super-cute. They both seem like such stand-up individuals, class acts. Remind me what they’re doing on The Bachelor Pad. Ella and Kirk would have never believed that the Bachelor Pad would be this romantic. Me neither guys.

Back at the house, Melissa is telling Blake that they can win this thing together and is super pumped! Meanwhile, Blake knows that he isn’t inviting Melissa on his date. Awkward! He tells her that he isn’t sure yet. She thinks he isn’t sure about who they’re going to vote off, but really it’s about who he’s taking on the date. I feel serious second-hand embarrassment for Melissa. Someone needs to give this girl a clue. And fast!

On another note, my new favorite contestant impresses me once again – Erica. She decides to distress Blake by giving him a massage by the pool, breasts hanging out and all. Genius tactics Erica.

The date card arrives and Erica hopes to finish what she started during the massage. I’m not even going to go there. Then my favorite moment – When Melissa yells “We could be skiing!” No, no, Melissa. You will be doing anything of the sort – because he’s takin’ Holly!

Melissa goes bat-shit crazy and tears the house up. Michelle comes out with another favorite line, telling us that Melissa wears her heart on any article of clothing… Including her hairtie and her panties. Don’t visualize Melissa’s panties… Just don’t do it.

Melissa ferociously stirs up a yogurt like WHOA… Looks like she’s trying to whip it into something. At least she’s finally eating something? Blake on the other hand is completely calm. He’s actually doing his full teeth routine and asks Melissa to hold off while he finishes the last 40 seconds. I really wish there had been a timer (one of the ones with sand in it) to ice the cake. The best part of this is that Melissa actually waited! I would’ve ripped that toothbrush out of his mouth. She’s pathetic.

Blake and Holly go on their date and he’s thrilled that Melissa isn’t there with him. Holly proves to be a pretty terrible skier… Obviously Jesse Csincsak didn’t teach her much of anything during their relationship. Regardless, Blake is smitten. He’s never felt this way about anyone else. Really? It’s a crush. I started having those in pre-school.

Blake and Holly decide to spend the night on their date because neither want to head back to the mansion. This is where I think Holly crossed the line. I like Holly. And I understand that sometimes relationships just don’t work out. But don’t rub it in Michael’s face! Luckily, Kirk is throwing shots of whiskey down Michael’s throat. Good friend!

When Blake and Holly get back to the house, Michael literally runs in from outside. Someone needs to give him a pep-talk and tell him to move on and stop being so anxious. Michael can’t move on because he thinks that Holly is irreplaceable. Cute, but news flash: She is very replaceable. I think 1 million girls in America are dying to replace her right about now. Holly tells Michael that she and Blake kissed once. Right. And pigs fly.

At the cocktail party, Michael sets up a pseudo-date for Holly outside to win her over. It’s awfully sad. I hope this ends soon… I feel like I’m watching a Soap Opera.

Melissa is absolutely going bonkers because she thinks that she’s being voted out. Graham thinks that Melissa is draining the life out of him. In reality, she’s draining the life out of America. I feel so uncomfortable watching Melissa beg to stay. She has officially boarded the train to Crazy Town.

Melissa and William get the heave-ho. As much as I’m a William fan, no one is going to notice he’s gone. He had about 1 minute of cumulative screen time all season. I’m not quite sure why he’s crying in the limo though.

Melissa breaks down in the limo and shows us her cry face – not exactly a pleasant one. After a few minutes, she turns around and spares us from watching any longer. The house will definitely be different without her.

What’d you think of this week? Do you kind of love Erica now? Did you like Vienna more this week or was that only because she didn’t speak? Leave some comments!


3 comments:

  1. I liked vienna because she wasn't the center of attention this week...I love holly..but, she either needs to be with micheal or tell him goodbye...stop hurting him so badly.

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  2. This show is soap opera central. Two things: Kasey and his "kick rocks" tag line need to go home and Michelle should have been voted on for those awful, huge slipper shoes she wears!

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  3. I loved last night's episode. It was insane. As much as I think Blake is a jerk for leading on Melissa, I also kinda feel bad for him because she is crazy. She had a right to be upset with him but then she needed to get over it. He made it clear that he does not like her. And while I can see why she was upset that she did not go on the date, because going on the date would have made her safe for the week, she was coming on way too strong. If she had just relaxed he might have taken her for strategic reasons. Instead I think he mostly didn't want to have to spend any time with her. And besides, Holly and Blake make a cute couple. She really should just tell Michael it's over and put that guy out of his misery.

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