Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
I disliked the final challenge in Las Vegas. I have to admit - I'm not a fan of these Vegas Show/Broadway competitions that the franchise has been adding into the seasons lately. Whether it be the Lion King or Jabbawockeez, it's just not my cup of tea. Especially being the Bachelor Pad, I'd prefer something ridiculous, raunchy and inappropriate instead.
The only memorable moments during this hour were the Kasey-isms involved. Did anyone else notice the ridiculously lame quotes that he came up with? This guy should write for Hallmark.
The reunion was more entertaining than the first hour of competition. Some highlights below:
- I really like Ella but I think she looked prettier without the "Heidi Montag" surgeries. Her lips are enormous... Wonder how the kissing contest would go now...
- I felt really bad for Jackie and Ames. It seems like there is more to the story on his end, but I doubt we'll hear more on that for a while.
- Erica and Melissa looked great. For all of the ripping apart I did on their behalves this season, I'll give them credit now... They cleaned up well!
- Vienna should sue Erica Rose's father because she's still painful to look at.
- Team Jake 100%, even though he's a weiner. It was nice to see Kasey apologize to him though. I do think that Kasey is a genuinely nice guy... I just wish he'd ditch Vienna.
As much as I think that Blake and Holly are somewhat cute, their proposal seemed completely ingeniune. Maybe it was the cameras? Or the ring from Neil Lane? Or the fact that they aired it on national television? It just rubbed me the wrong way.
The fact that Holly and Blake "couldn't" tell Michael beforehand about the proposal is just ludacris. This is where I think they completely failed and my heart broke. There's a fine line between what's reality and television. They definitely should have handled the situation differently.
I'm very happy that Michael won the money, but I couldn't feel the same way for Holly after the proposal sequence. I'm somewhat surprised that they won and convinced that if Holly wasn't Michael's partner, things would have gone much differently.
As we all knew, Ben F. is the next Bachelor. I think he'll be a good Bachelor, just hoping he doesn't get a little boring. If they cast a solid group of females, the season could be golden... He's a great catch! If the girls are completely normal, we're in for a potential snooze-fest.
Hope you all enjoyed my blog this season! Stay tuned for Bachelor updates throughout the fall!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Everyone sits around and plays “Let’s get to know each other.” It’s the standard game I’ve played with any new boyfriends in my life… Icebreaker time! Kasey and Vienna don’t bother getting to know each other before the challenge because they’re good at everything. Just like Vienna was good at the bed challenge and the synchronized swimming contest. And then she lost both. Blake and Erica talk about flying squirrels and Blake says that both of his stepmom’s are named Karen? Did I hear correctly? His family seems almost as dysfunctional as mine does! Yeah!
Time for the challenge! Chris Harrison announces that the winning couples will get a very romantic 1-on-1 date. Kasey can smell it. What is this face? (Cringing)
This challenge is interesting. Most disturbing parts:
· Vienna needs to go on 22 dates before she has sex? Right. And I’m not obsessed with reality television.
· Kasey would be a rabbit in bed? TMI. I’m gagging.
· Vienna thinks that he ex’s miss her boobs the most? You should be proud.
· Holly wants to sleep with Blake and Michael wants to punch Blake in his perfect teeth.
· No one likes Blake.
· Thank god that Graham was lying about these 7’s because he’s definitely had more than 7 partners. AND if he lost his virginity at 7, I’d call the po-lice.
Graham and Michelle win the “NearlyWed” game. Blake and Erica also get a date for coming in second place. At least Blake will get some ass before he’s sent packing!
The token Bachelor helicopter comes to pick up Graham and Michelle to whisk them away to Hot People Island, where we all wish we were granted admission. Kasey is super jealous and wishes he could go in the helicopter with Vienna, only to push her out the back door.
Back at the house, Vienna and Kasey air out their sex life in public…. One of those things I’d file as “Don’t bring up in the Bachelor Pad House on National TV,” but that’s just me. We were probably raised differently. Basically, Kasey has sexual frustration and Vienna isn’t willing to help him air it out. She’s worn out from sleeping with Wes Hayden and David Good before the show started. I bet both of them are hiding out tonight. Talk about embarrassing!
Back on Hot People Island, Michelle and Graham are screening some chick-flick in a hot tub. I’m ridiculously jealous. I’m jealous of her. I’m jealous of him. And I’m jealous of the hot tub.
Back at the mansion, Blake and Erica’s date card arrives. Their mission is romance. Anyone else not going to be surprised when Erica whips out a pair of handcuffs, roofies Blake and calls it a night? Her mission is to end up in the missionary position with Blake. God, I love her. What would this show be without Erica Rose? Sad and dramatic.
Tiaras on! Erica and Blake head to the Mission Inn spend the night chatting. Erica’s astrologer thinks she’ll be in the final two. Erica’s astrologer is also unemployed and homeless now. She then gives Blake’s thigh a vicious rash from rubbing it so harshly and focuses on his man jewels rather than learning about the history Mission Inn has to offer.
Erica really needs Blake in the mood, so she crushes up a few Xanex and sprinkles them in his champagne, just like pixy dust. Then she convinces Blake that because of her sexy lingerie, he needs to sleep with her and not go back to the mansion. Hopefully girls across America are currently taking notes on “Things Not To Do To A Man.” Although, I’m kind of wishing that Blake would sleep with her so that she’d shut up. (I planned to write that differently, but censored myself.)
The next morning, Erica and Blake ponder who to give the two extra roses to. Wait a minute – Did they have sex or not? They seem stressed. I’m guessing no. They finally decide to give the roses to Kasey and Vienna, because they’re apparently worthy. Blake and Erica’s deal is sealed.
Kasey and Vienna talk about what they’d do with the 250K if they won and he tells Vienna that no one needs to know his personal stuff. Right… Did that apply an hour ago when you were crying and bitching around the house about your non-existant sex life? Different?
Holly debates voting out Blake, but in the end, decides to spare Michael one less jab to the heart and lets Blake and Erica go. I’m REALLY going to miss Erica’s humor. No one will ever be as funny. The show will clearly lack humor.
So, we’re down to 4 couples – Who is your favorite for the win? Will you miss Erica so much also? Leave some comments!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Kasey is pumped up because “the devil is gone.” I’m a bit confused because Vienna still seems to be there… Who knows. She immediately makes the night all about her, because what isn’t, and thanks the crew for getting rid of Jake.
The next morning, everyone wakes up and hopefully gives their teeth a serious brushing, following by the Listerine 60 Second Challenge (I’m sure Blake did), because it’s time for THE KISSING CONTEST! There is nothing more disgusting than kissing six people in a row, swapping spit left and right, sharing each others cooties. Ew. Apparently, the contestants from Bachelor Pad 1 enjoyed this competition the most. Does that surprise anyone? Remember the class of those individuals?
No one wants to compete in this challenge… Except Blake, obviously. Hopefully Melissa didn’t eat any of her famous onion pizza for breakfast because that’s sure to be an immediate disqualification. The girls are blindfolded first. The end game is that Blake rapes all of their mouths, except Vienna's because he feels Kasey guarding and protecting her lips from 5 feet away. All of the other guys respect Michael Stag’s love for his ex-fiance, but Blake goes right in for the kill.
Next up, the guys are blindfolded and Ella is winning this one for her son… Sounds creepy, but you get the jist. Apparently Kasey was too concerned about protecting Vienna and forgot to do the Listerine 60 Second Challenge that morning and had funkytown breathe. The thought of this is making me uncomfortable. (Sidenote: Biggest turn-off EVER) Holly and Michael make out, for the first time since their break-up, and then 30 seconds later, Holly shares Michael’s spit with Blake. For about 5 minutes. We all watch Stag’s heart break.
Time to tally up the votes. I bet this doesn’t come as a shocker! Ella and Blake win with an overwhelming majority… No suspense there.
Ella invites Kirk on her date… Again, no suspense. Kirk’s pumped up because he’s going out on a date with the best kisser in the house and Mama’s drivin! Kirk and Ella’s date is super-cute. They both seem like such stand-up individuals, class acts. Remind me what they’re doing on The Bachelor Pad. Ella and Kirk would have never believed that the Bachelor Pad would be this romantic. Me neither guys.
Back at the house, Melissa is telling Blake that they can win this thing together and is super pumped! Meanwhile, Blake knows that he isn’t inviting Melissa on his date. Awkward! He tells her that he isn’t sure yet. She thinks he isn’t sure about who they’re going to vote off, but really it’s about who he’s taking on the date. I feel serious second-hand embarrassment for Melissa. Someone needs to give this girl a clue. And fast!
On another note, my new favorite contestant impresses me once again – Erica. She decides to distress Blake by giving him a massage by the pool, breasts hanging out and all. Genius tactics Erica.
The date card arrives and Erica hopes to finish what she started during the massage. I’m not even going to go there. Then my favorite moment – When Melissa yells “We could be skiing!” No, no, Melissa. You will be doing anything of the sort – because he’s takin’ Holly!
Melissa goes bat-shit crazy and tears the house up. Michelle comes out with another favorite line, telling us that Melissa wears her heart on any article of clothing… Including her hairtie and her panties. Don’t visualize Melissa’s panties… Just don’t do it.
Melissa ferociously stirs up a yogurt like WHOA… Looks like she’s trying to whip it into something. At least she’s finally eating something? Blake on the other hand is completely calm. He’s actually doing his full teeth routine and asks Melissa to hold off while he finishes the last 40 seconds. I really wish there had been a timer (one of the ones with sand in it) to ice the cake. The best part of this is that Melissa actually waited! I would’ve ripped that toothbrush out of his mouth. She’s pathetic.
Blake and Holly go on their date and he’s thrilled that Melissa isn’t there with him. Holly proves to be a pretty terrible skier… Obviously Jesse Csincsak didn’t teach her much of anything during their relationship. Regardless, Blake is smitten. He’s never felt this way about anyone else. Really? It’s a crush. I started having those in pre-school.
Blake and Holly decide to spend the night on their date because neither want to head back to the mansion. This is where I think Holly crossed the line. I like Holly. And I understand that sometimes relationships just don’t work out. But don’t rub it in Michael’s face! Luckily, Kirk is throwing shots of whiskey down Michael’s throat. Good friend!
When Blake and Holly get back to the house, Michael literally runs in from outside. Someone needs to give him a pep-talk and tell him to move on and stop being so anxious. Michael can’t move on because he thinks that Holly is irreplaceable. Cute, but news flash: She is very replaceable. I think 1 million girls in America are dying to replace her right about now. Holly tells Michael that she and Blake kissed once. Right. And pigs fly.
At the cocktail party, Michael sets up a pseudo-date for Holly outside to win her over. It’s awfully sad. I hope this ends soon… I feel like I’m watching a Soap Opera.
Melissa is absolutely going bonkers because she thinks that she’s being voted out. Graham thinks that Melissa is draining the life out of him. In reality, she’s draining the life out of America. I feel so uncomfortable watching Melissa beg to stay. She has officially boarded the train to Crazy Town.
Melissa and William get the heave-ho. As much as I’m a William fan, no one is going to notice he’s gone. He had about 1 minute of cumulative screen time all season. I’m not quite sure why he’s crying in the limo though.
Melissa breaks down in the limo and shows us her cry face – not exactly a pleasant one. After a few minutes, she turns around and spares us from watching any longer. The house will definitely be different without her.
What’d you think of this week? Do you kind of love Erica now? Did you like Vienna more this week or was that only because she didn’t speak? Leave some comments!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The episode kicks off with a few words of wisdom from Kirk, who at this point appears to be one of the only “normal” people in the mansion. If Chris Harrison wasn’t such a staple, I think Kirk could actually pose a threat to him for his job. Kirk’s narration skills were top notch last night.
To continue their annoying bullshit from last week, Blake and Melissa continue to hash it out after the rose ceremony. Melissa wants Blake to apologize and be a man because she was upstairs crying for an hour. An hour? Melissa looks like she’s been on a month-long post-breakup binge, void of food, shampoo and sunlight. Either way, she has secured her one-way ticket to the Looney Bin.
All of the girls are “rallying” around Melissa, even Holly who openly admits to flirting with all of the boys in the mansion. Blake concludes that Melissa is a live wire on the ground waiting to snap. Newsflash Blake: You made out with the wrong girl.
It’s time for the next challenge and the crew shows up with their game faces on. Unfortunately for Holly, someone ate the bottom of her shirt before the challenge. Vienna showed up ready for blood. She was on the swim team and knows she’ll be good at this challenge! Just like the bed challenge… Of course, you’re good at everything V!
While watching the practice rounds, I’d be surprised if Michael Stag doesn’t win for the guys – he’s a break dancer and has a glowing personality. Even though Jake has such phenomenal dance experience from his run on Dancing With The Stars. For the girls, it’s a toss-up, with the exception of Erica. Like she said, the closest thing that she’s done to synchronized swimming is tanning. Gosh, she’s so well rounded!
Everyone gets their swimmies and Speedos on and we’re introduced to our judges – some gold medalist, David Good and Natalie Getz. I wish David and Natalie could have stayed and kicked some of these other house guests out.
Also, how cool would it be if the girls routine involved drowning Vienna and Melissa?! Just kidding… Kind of. Unfortunately, it did not. And as Natalie said, it was god awful.
The guys are up and their routine is much more entertaining than the girls’. William and Graham should be automatically eliminated for wearing the heinous nose plugs. My favorite part of the synchronized swimming was noting all of the bright white thighs that the guys were sporting. Classic. Erica chimes in with her classy opinion – Jake should win because he has such a big package. Again, Erica securing her pig status in my book.
Michael and Michelle win the challenge and I hope this is a sign of things to come. They’re definitely two of my favorites. Since Jake lost, he makes it very clear that he’s willing to do anything to stay in the mansion. Even if that means making out with Erica!
Then again, we see a ridiculous fight between the Super Couple, Vienna and Kasey. Basically she’s being nice to the enemy and Kasey is not down with this because he spends all of his time guarding and protecting her. Doesn’t she see his tattoo and everything he stands for? GUARDING AND PROTECTING! I feel much dumber after watching this fight. Kasey asks Vienna if she wants another public break up on TV. I’ll tell you something Kasey, I’d sure love to watch that! He even calls her a fame whore… Well played sir. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that calling your girlfriend a fame whore would not be guarding and protecting her heart? Not sure though.
Meanwhile, back to the rest of the house that is getting robbed of quality airtime… Michelle takes Graham, Kasey and Blake on a date to a gorgeous vineyard to drink wine. Finally, a date that I’m incredibly jealous of! Michelle admits that she has a huge crush on Graham, but she doesn’t feel like he’s that into her. She should probably call Deanna to chat… Seems like a reoccurring problem for Graham and his ladies. Michelle thinks that if she and Graham find common ground, it’ll be amazing. Then they find that common ground, in each others tonsils.
Anyone notice a little bit of Michelle’s crazy eyes come out around Graham? Maybe she’ll give herself a black eye next.
Graham obviously gets the rose.
Back at the mansion, Holly is hoping that Michael doesn’t invite her on the date. Sure enough, he does. Michael and his ladies arrive in the Hollywood Hills and are surprised with a horseback riding date! Vienna will obviously be good at this too because… Well, use your imagination.
After the horses, Vienna and Ella bond over some sangria, while Michael and Holly continue to beat a dead horse (no pun intended). And again, watching Michael cry is brutal. Michael sends the other two girls home and then Brett Michaels shows up to serenade him and Holly. Blah blah, the end.
Back at the mansion, Jake and Blake are trying to save their asses by making out with girls that they wouldn’t touch with 10 foot poles in real life. Erica and Jake lay together by the pool and she rubs him. He pretends to like her. They make out, because Erica has great lips that she maintains every 6 months. I vomit all over my computer.
Super Couple is back to drive us a little more crazy and this time, Kasey brought a ring with him! Kasey gives a long speech about loving Vienna or something, but truthfully, I can’t understand a thing he says. Vienna cuts him off and says that she doesn’t want the ring to be an engagement ring. I can’t handle her. If Kasey had half of a brain, he’d shove that ring somewhere where the sun doesn’t shine and run for the hills. With that, Kasey secures his spot on next season’s American Idol. SIKE.
Potentially my favorite moment of the season happens next – When Erica crawled behind Melissa to eavesdrop on her conversation. She just gained serious points in my book. What a freak!
Rose Ceremony/Cocktail Party
Kasey mentions that he thinks Melissa is bat shiz f’ing crazy and she’s shaking. He doesn’t realize that it’s only malnourishment. She looks like she’s been punched in the face. Melissa doesn’t understand why her and Blake have been partners since Day 1 and now he doesn’t want anything to do with her romantically. He never did.
Melissa almost leaves but Jake convinces her to stay.
The only other interesting thing about the evening was Erica’s gavel. At first, I swore it was an ice cream scooper. Then I thought it was a fairy wand. She’s a whack job.
Jake mentions that if he gets voted off, he’s taking people out with him. I’m SO happy he got sent home! This is bound to be good drama.
The Mask comes back for a quick skinnydip and we’re left wondering who Jake is taking down with him. I don’t even know how I’ll last a full week!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The crew gets ready for their second degrading challenge and I cannot wait! There are guaranteed to be many tears and broken egos. The girls are up first and they throw paint filled eggs as hard as my 4 year old niece would. I’m sorry, but if $250K is on the line, I’m winding up and nailing these targets. The most bizarre choice in this round was Jackie claiming that Graham was least deserving of the money. That almost makes sense… Graham, who is the founder of a children’s charity and wants to save children in other countries…Totally undeserving!
The challenge comes down to Melissa and Jackie and they need to decide who is dumbest in the house. Unfortunately, Melissa is unable to throw the egg at herself, which would have been the logical target. She wins this challenge and I gag because that means we’ll be seeing way too much of her in the rest of the episode.
The guys are up and the moral of this story is that Erica fails. The guys think she’s most likely to cheat, want her to go home, and are least attracted to her. Pack your bags now and cut your losses, Erica. Well said by William, “It’s like Picasso went to town on her back.” Genius. Erica is devastated and has a huge reality check. I do not feel bad at all for her. 1. Stop going on Reality Television 2. Did you not see last season’s Bachelor Pad? Then, to make matters worse, Erica calls out Ella and says that she’s bigger than her and not that pretty. Too bad there wasn’t a “classiest girl in the house” category, because I’m sure you would’ve won that one also, Erica.
Michael Stag wins for the guys. When Chris Harrison announces that Michael and Melissa get separate dates, I’m pretty sure that Michael shit himself with relief.
When it comes time to pick his ladies, Michael proves that he’s a class act with his choices. He’s picking:
- Erica - Because he realizes she is completely pathetic and a total slob. Might as well get on her good side!
- Michelle – Because she’s hot.
- Holly – Because he’s in love with her.
Rather than do something romantic and exciting, Michael gets to take his dates to an insane asylum. I’m pretty sure that half of this cast was admitted to this asylum within the past few years…
This could be one of the most un-fun dates in all of Bachelor Pad history. First, Michael spends some quality time with Erica and they talk to the dead. How many valiums does Erica have to take to sound as monotone and boring as she does? 3? 4? If you ever want to torture someone, play Erica and Kasey’s voices on repeat.
Meanwhile, Michelle and Holly bond and Michelle is convinced that there is still something between Michael and Holly. Holly is daydreaming about making babies with Blake.
Michael and Holly have their big moment outside. For a moment here, I’m convinced that my TV switched to watching “Days of Our Lives” because the last time I checked, Bachelor Pad should not be so emotional. Michael reiterates that he waited a FULL YEAR to propose. The last time I checked, a year is not a long time to wait, unless you’re playing by Kardashian rules. He’s also really proud of them for everything they’ve been through… Proud of them for coming on a Reality TV show to air out all of their dirty laundry in front of millions? I’m not sure I would have used the word proud.
After this conversation, I still have no idea what happened between Holly and Michael. All I know is that they each dumped each other, he’s not sure why, and she considers them in the friend zone. And Michael is a sad puppy.
Back at the house, Kirk is confused by the freakshow going on around him. Me too Kirk, me too. Melissa’s date card comes and all of the guys are crossing their fingers that she doesn’t pick them. Except Jake… Jake is depressed and wants out of the mansion! He’s desperate. Someone give this guy a lifeline!
Melissa chooses Kirk, Kasey and Blake. Do you think she has a type? Blake knows that Melissa wants his junk, but he wants nothing to do with her. BUT, for a rose, he’s willing to put out the goodies.
On the yacht, Blake is working it. He definitely knows how to take advantage of a girl with no self esteem. Melissa promised Kasey the rose, but if Blake continues to rub Melissa’s inner thigh, Kasey can kiss that rose goodbye. Remember on Brad’s season when Melissa had onion pizza breathe because she ate 4 slices of onion pizza before the cocktail party? She should probably re-visit that pizza because homegirl is wilting away. Between her collarbones protruding and her serious need for shampoo, I’m having a really difficult time watching her and Blake suck face.
Blake puts out and gets the rose. Kasey and Kirk ride away on their romantic love boat for two and Blake contemplates jumping in with them. It’s definitely a better option that continuing to make out with Melissa all night! But, he’s drunk, so he’ll slut it up.
Cut to the mansion and welcome back to the Jake and Vienna Show! Jake tries to talk to Vienna in private but she’s not comfortable speaking to him without Kasey around. Is she delusional? What does she think is going to happen? Are the five cameramen not enough security for you? Grow up, V.
Holly and Blake are recovering from their dates and snuggling. Holly teases Blake and calls Melissa his girlfriend, while Blake throws up a little in his mouth. He compares Melissa to a typhoon capsizing him… Woof! Blake isn’t surprised that Melissa is single at 32… Neither are we Blake.
Everyone is getting ready for the rose ceremony. Ella is helping Erica with her fake eyelashes… Little does she know that Erica called her fat and ugly. Vienna and Kasey are solidifying their places as “Biggest Bullies in the House,” by picking on Jake and telling the entire world that he’s in debt and wouldn’t do anything positive with the $250K. Ella and Kirk just sit and watch in awe, but keep their mouths shut.
Then we’re forced to watch Kasey make his tattoo heart beat for us. Disgusting. Kasey’s douche level just skyrocketed to 1000.
Vienna and Kasey are convinced that Jake is going home, until…. Chris Harrison saves the day! Chris announces that 2 females will be leaving the mansion. Vienna is BUGGING OUT and protesting that it’s cheating. No, it is not cheating. ANYTHING Chris Harrison says, goes. My Dad texted me during this scene and said “Can he do that?” and I responded with, “Yes, Chris is god. He can do anything.” Enough said.
Graham, Kasey and Gia get into a fight, but I’m completely uninterested at this point. All I know is that Kasey screwed over Graham and Graham screwed over Gia. And Gia is done, again, with Bachelor Pad. She doesn’t think she is made for this game. Third time’s a charm! Michelle is pumped up to officially be “Best Looking” in the house.
It’s time to vote. Erica thinks that Ella is a good competitor, needs the money and would do anything to win. So, she votes for her. Ugh, such a pig. Blake and Holly continue to flirt, while Melissa sits alone in the corner seething. Melissa knew that she shouldn’t develop romantic feelings for a guy but one night of making out and she’s cooked.
It’s down to Ella and Jackie, and Jackie leaves. But not before Ames runs after her in his red pants to create the perfect fairytale ending! If he wasn’t wearing the red pants, this scene wouldn’t have been anywhere near as cool. And if only we didn’t know that they have already broken up…
Ames and Jackie are in love. No. It’s been a week. That is not love.