It's Craig's fraternity and Justin is NOT invited! THE MEN TELL ALL.

I never look forward to the “Men/Women Tell All” episode because it’s never exciting and the key players usually don’t show up. This time was no different… thank god for DVR!

Ali sits down with Harrison for some 1-on-1 conversation and man is she blinging! I’m all for the sequins, but dress, headband, AND earrings? Are we at a 2nd graders dress-up birthday party or on national television? They look back at the season. I take a pita chip & hummus break.

Ali talks about not remembering dressing up like an astronaut with Kasey. Proof that Ali drank herself into a stuper to avoid speaking to Kasey on their dates. I also notice that she has light blue gum in her mouth – C’mon Ali! Take this seriously. I think it’s Winterfresh… just sayin.

It’s time to chat with the men. Who knew that Chris N. spoke? We hear more from him than we did the entire season. Craig R. is no longer “Mr. Potatohead,” now he’s “Chatty Kathy.” Kasey is back in action… I almost forgot how hard it was to understand him. And it wasn’t the wine… at this point I’m only on my first glass.

Hello Weatherman! Man how I have missed you. When he left, my blog got less funny. He is full of substance. Jonathan calls Ali mystical. His unicorn is waiting outside to give him a ride home…. Hopefully the taping is done by midnight or it’ll turn into a pumpkin!

My favorite thing about the whole night is the overwhelming bromance between the men. It’s like a big frat house and Craig R. is the president. You can immediately tell who is BFF’s with each other and who might be the outcasts (coughcough.. Jonathan).

Ty does an overall good job portraying himself throughout the night… classy and smart, not annoying. Craig R. did also. I like him more now that I know we have REAL common friends on Facebook. I say REAL because most of our common friends are other Bachelor/ette contests, and let’s be serious… As much as I think they’re my friends, they are not.

Kasey sits in the hot seat and I remember how much humor he brought the show. Jump in my heart… stay a while. Hands down my favorite line of this season. When he sang to Ali I actually laughed out loud. I’m happy that he knows what a fool he was on the show and owns up to it. It takes away a lot of the creep factor.

By the way, check out Kasey circa two years ago. Someone jumped on the frosted tips train...

Kirk sits down for his 1-on-1 time and I think he’s drunk or maybe took a few pills before the taping. OR he’s really hurt by Ali. But I doubt that. If I were him, I’d be pissed too. Frank ruined his trip to Tahiti! That’s worth a lot of monies.

I had no interest in listening to the guys bash Justin. It’s a reality show. There is always a token douchebag. Deal with it. You’re men. Craig, the fraternity president, makes it clear that he’s speaking on behalf of all of the men when he says that Justin has been blackballed from the frat. TAKE THAT RATED R!

Jessie, that random girl from Jake’s season, comes back… but only to let us know that she did what she did to guard and protect Ali’s heart. Ugh, Jessie… that’s Kasey’s role.

Ali’s hair is a HOT MESS. The women in the audience are whack. The blooper real is great.

And the best line of the night goes to Chris L. as usual, “We’re in Turkey and there’s nothing else to do but make people piss their pants.”

Okay, so we only have one week left. I don’t know about you, but I’m a little sad. If The Bachelor Pad wasn’t starting soon, you might find me in some sort of Reality Rehab. Don’t tell anyone.

I haven’t watched the 20/20 special yet because I’m trying to not let television consume my entire life. Keyword: trying. I heard it was weak, but I’ll post my thoughts once I do.

What do you think is going to happen next week? Will Ali pick Chris or Roberto? Or no one? Leave some love in the comments section!

I started a second blog – a little more professional – about food reality television. You can check it out here: http://blog.nj.com/food_tv/index.html. If you like show’s like Top Chef and Next Food Network Star, this is for you. If not, maybe you could still click it once to help with my click thru numbers. I mean, for support!

Bachelor Pad - Wrap Party!

Since I'm Facebook friends with most of the former contestants, seeing pictures from the Wrap Party this weekend wasn't exactly difficult. I pulled some favorites. Enjoy!

Jonathan, The Weatherman, being a creep as usual.

Kasey "tattoo" showing us his chest. Someone looks a little tipsy...

Getting rowdy...

Such a fun couple!

Everyone remembers the token looney bins right?

Ali's rejects - Obviously the Weatherman is being creepy again.

Kirk, in a less than flattering shot.

So, what do you think? Look like they're having post-Reality TV fun? Leave your thoughts. I'm happy to upload more if you enjoy!

Do you REALLY accept this rose?

This week’s episode started off with each of the remaining men professing their love for Ali in a nice little recap montage. I was really tempted to fast forward through this, but refrained incase there was something juicy. Nope, nothing.

We then learned that Frank might still be in love with his ex girlfriend, Nicole. Well Frank, this is great timing! Jerk. He lets us know that he hasn’t spoken to her in months… clearly a drama queen. When Frank arrives at Nicole’s, she says “What is going on?!” I’d bet money that she knew exactly what was going on. She obviously had some warning on this intrusion – she was home, apartment was clean, hair was perfectly flat ironed, and her MAC face was painted on. THAT is what’s going on.

First impressions of Nicole – Nose. Nose. Nose. Nose. Oh wait, sorry I guess I should look beyond her nose? It’s not easy. She also looks about 17 and I’m pretty sure Frank is 30. Nice. Buzz’s girlfriend, woof. Nicole is also wearing yellow. Didn’t she get the memo that yellow is Ali’s color? OH NO SHE DIDN’T! Ali owns the rights to yellow. Check yourself.

Maybe Frank and Nicole met while he was working at Abercrombie as the manager and she was a high school employee. Just a guess…

Cut to Tahiti! Tahiti looks ridiculous and anyone says they weren’t researching vacations after last night’s episode is lying. Ali gets off the little boat and immediately gets lei’d by the welcoming committee. You all have sick minds, I’m talking about the floral necklace. We watch Ali frollick along the beaches in Tahiti and she does a huge hair flip. Anyone else notice that?

Roberto and Ali’s date begins with the token helicopter ride, courtesy of Tahiti tourism, and Ali is in a yellow bathing suit. Shocker. Roberto gets serious boob sweat so it’s obviously very hot there. They go to a heart shaped lagoon and make out for a while with 15 camera men around… how natural!

For their dinner, Ali is whipping out all of the stops to prove she is as hot as Roberto. Her outfit is screaming FANTASY SUITE HERE I COME! The suite card, courtesy of Harrison, is presented and shockingly enough, Ali accepts. There was no chance of her turning down a night with Roberto. I wonder what happened with their physical connection she keeps speaking so highly of.

Now it’s time for Chris’s date and he is rocking the pooka shell necklace, similar to Jake’s last season. It’s okay though because Chris is 100x cooler than Jake so he wins. Throughout the date, I kind of think he is too nice for her. Anyone else? They start to get hot and heavy on the boat, so finally they have a romantic connection. She better not pull out the friend card after that.

Ali’s bathing suit tag is hanging out her butt, could someone fix that? They’re both wearing water shoes… how cool. Not. Ali and Chris kill a bunch of oysters and find pretty pearls. I have to say, if Ali breaks Chris’s heart, I may vomit all over. He is the nicest person in the world.

Their dinner date is very relaxed. I think she’s more at ease with Chris and not trying so hard. I think that’s a bad sign because Roberto is more of a “challenge.” That’s fun for a little but long term – not so much. Fantasy suite – check! 2 for 2. You go girl.

Frank arrives – cue funeral music. He came to tell Ali that he’s leaving… Cmon Frank, that’s a long plane ride. Next time, send a post it or something. It’s a digital world now – breaking up with someone via computer is fine. Frank and Chris engage in the weirdest conversation this season. Chris says he is shocked, but looks like he popped 5 valium before this sit down. He’s completely sedated.

Frank says that something was holding him back from giving Ali everything that he could – maybe your tight tank tops? Cutting off your circulation? I don’t know.

Frank tells Ali that they need to talk. Her flower falls from her hair and everything is over. This conversation enrages me. Ali, you have known him for 3 weeks – shut up! You had two fabulous dates with perfect guys. Now you don’t have to stress about sending someone home. Calm down!

Ali gives her “I gave up everything to be here” speech and I don’t care. Sorry Ali, we do not feel bad for your ass. You get clothes, make up, fame, and 25 guys begging for your love. Cry me a river.

She tells Frank that she needs to go and deal with this somehow… Maybe she’ll invite Chris or Roberto back to her fantasy suite again? She’ll be fine. Luckily, you have two other guys at the same resort! You will prevail.

Frank keeps crying and crying and I can’t help but laugh at him.

Chris Harrison later asks the most stupid question ever – Is it Frank or his actions? WHAT? What kind of question is that? Is that a trick?

Luckily, Chris and Roberto ACCEPT her roses.

Okay, a few fun facts for the road – Next week at the MEN TELL ALL, it’s going to be real boring. Rated R isn’t there and neither is Frank. Talk about lame. I bet most of the show is focused on Kasey or something.

Also, this past weekend was the wrap party for the Bachelor Pad and many of the former Bachelor’s and Bachelorette’s attended. I’ve found a bunch of pictures online, so I’ll post this week for your enjoyment.

Vienna's Single & Fabulous Party

Incase anyone cares, Vienna had a "Single and Fabulous" party this weekend at Tao Beach in Las Vegas.

Here are some photos from the event: Vienna's Party. I wonder how Jake feels about that. Very. Angry.

People Story on the Bachelor Pad

Looking forward to the Frank massacre tonight! Anyone else?

Here's a fun story on The Bachelor Pad from People.com: http://tvwatch.people.com/2010/07/19/bachelor-pad-bachelorbachelorette-secrets-revealed/?xid=rss-topheadlines&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+people%2Fheadlines+%28PEOPLE.com%3A+Top+Headlines%29. It has some insight from Pad contestants.

Can't wait for it to start!

Where'd Frank get his t-shirt? Babies R Us?

Usually hometown dates are my favorites, but I must say… these were too cute and normal (mostly) to get a good chuckle from. With the exception of Kirk’s slaughtering father and braces momma, things were very plain this week.

We start out in Tampa, Roberto’s hometown. He lives in Charleston now, but I guess this is where he grew up and went to college? He told Ali to wear shorts because they were going to get active! She has no idea what he has in store. I guess the fact that Roberto played baseball at UT and they were going to the UT campus wasn’t a big enough hint for Ali. Moron.

Ali loves Roberto in his uniform. A lot. She’s jumping on him at every chance she gets… calling it “the sexiest thing a guy can put on.” Hmm… I prefer scuba gear, but whatever. Last week, Ali was nervous that her and Roberto only had chemistry but lacked the fun factor. Here it is!

Roberto’s family was fine. Not my favorite, but nothing to complain about. I was happy that when his Dad asked Ali about her goals, she talked about a career rather than falling in love and poppin’ out babies. His mom on the other hand… She needs a makeover. What’s up with the blue earrings to match the outfit?

Ali loves Roberto. The end.

Next up, we travel to The Cape. For the next 20 minutes, America will fall more in love with Chris L than any Bachelor in history. Anyone disagree? If so, you have no heart. Chris meets Ali on the beach with his dog Jenny. Who loves Jenny? I do!

I love Chris’s silly humor, mentioning that whales are having sex right there in the ocean. He’s such a sweetheart. I love every part of this date… from the beach, to playing house on the porch. Every time he talks about his mom, I tear up. It’s so genuine.

I’m going to go out on a limb here. If Chris doesn’t win Ali’s heart, he will be the next Bachelor. He’s completely won America over and we still have three weeks to go. His family is adorable, even the sister-in-law’s. Don’t even get me started on his dad. THE BEST. Chris’s father for President 2k12. Love him.

One small detail – Ali never thought about the similarity between him taking care of his mom and her taking care of her grandma? HELLO.

The whole date is so emotional, so cute, and just fab.

Kirk’s date is a little less cute. Maybe it’s the fact that Bambi and co. are all slaughtered and stuffed in his Dad’s basement? I don’t know. Since Kirk is from a DIVORCED family (gasp!), we get to meet his Dad, stepmom and little girl (who was she again?) first. His stepmom may or may not be a man. Just sayin’.

Dad says that he has never spent a whole day with one of Kirk’s girlfriends. Welp, I wonder why. Do you want to see my basement Ali? This reminds me of my Dad’s old line, “Hey, wanna see my ax collection?” which he’d pull out with my boyfriends growing up. The catch here, he was joking.

Confirmed. This is definitely creepier than Naomi’s mom having a bird funeral in Jason Mesnick’s season. It gets more and more awkward as they talk amongst the animals. The line of the day goes to Kirk’s step-sister, “Maybe she’ll say oooooh cool!” Yup… maybe she will.

I can’t help but feel really bad for Kirk. I wonder if he told Ali about the collection before the date. He had to have, right? I’m starting to recognize Kirk’s dad from somewhere. He looks like an 80’s pornstar. Anyone agree or am I just weird?

I appreciate that Kirk has a Mom’s House and Dad’s House. Shout out to all the divorced kiddies out there! Unfortunately, Kirk’s mom is a little weird also. I think she got her braces bands to match her blue eyeliner. #fail. BUT, his grandma seems to make a mean cheesy potato, so she gets a few points in my book.

It’s Frank’s date and the only thing I can focus on is his outfit. At first I think it’s the Capital V cardigan. But then I realize, no. It’s the scoop neck t-shirt. He’s a blabbering idiot on the boat tour and clear signs are pointing to a big disappointment coming.

At dinner, Frank unbuttons his cardigan which just makes the scoop neck T more prominent. WHAT is that? Did you wax and tan your chest too? Big failure on the wardrobe by Frank.

Ali clearly loves Frank. I really think that if we didn’t have a major douche moment coming from him next week that he might win. Unfortunately for Frank and his mini T, the previews say otherwise.

Kirk goes home and no one is surprised. Ali made sure to point out that it had nothing to do with his family, but Kirk knows that his Dad’s profession didn’t increase his chances by any means.

So, let’s get real. It’s going to come down to Chris and Roberto. Who is your favorite? I’m a fan of both, but I think Chris takes the win for me. Do you think she picks either of them? Leave some comments!

Team Vienna

Does anyone even remember what happened on Ali’s portion of the show after seeing Jake v. Vienna? I sure don’t but I’ll give it a try…

And then there were 5. Now we’re in Portugal and I must say that it’s the best place they’ve been. If I were Mr. Potatohead and I got the boot right before Portugal, I’d be one unhappy camper.

The guys meet Chris Harrison for the run down of Lisbon. Anyone notice Frank’s straight up Abercrombie model outfit? I think he was my manager back in 2003. He’s wearing a navy logo T with an anchor on it, with matching plaid shorts. He’s 30… this is a problem.

Roberto gets the first date card which reads, “Roberto, come be the king of my castle.” King in the castle, King in the castle… Anyone? Click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUjp5wI_wco&feature=related. When Ali picks up Roberto, she drops a few lines in Portugese… probably should never do that again. She is so white girl. Ali’s nervous that they won’t have fun but knows that they’ll have a passionate date. The date starts with a real weird photo shoot in Lisbon and we learn that Roberto hasn’t perfected the “Take a picture of me while I jump” thing. Then they dance in the streets.

I reallllly wish I was a stander-by at this moment. There was definitely NO music playing out loud in the streets. The date continues on some stairwell with a picturesque view of Portugal. Was anyone else nervous that Roberto might fall off? At one point it really looked like he was sitting right on the edge. Anyways…

Frank and Ty get the DREADED 2-on-1 date card. Guess what? I don’t feel bad for you guys. Suck it up and stop complaining. You both got 1-on-1’s last week and Frank, you’ve had 2. Stop crying.

All three of them keep talking about how bad this date is and Ali even encourages boozing to make it better. I have a brilliant idea – Why don’t one of you act human and be a little light hearted? Maybe I just really like games, but play the question game or something. Act like you’re 3 friends that are boozin’ it up together. Anything. Just please stop complaining about the 2-on-1.

Ali pulls the men apart and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Ali and Ty talk more about how he thinks a woman should cook, clean and raise babies, while she worries if his parents will accept her for a working girl. Ali and Frank talk about how he lives with his parents in a racecar bed with siderails. He then mentioned something about having his ex-girlfriend climb through the window to sneak in for late night loving. Oh wait, sorry that’s not until the Tahiti date! Sorry, but that is no longer a spoiler since ABC shows Frank making Ali cry in the previews over and over again.

Next up, Kirk and Ali go to a beautiful castle via carriage ride. From my eyes, this is definitely one of the most gorgeous dates yet. Ali is in a funk and she’s letting it ruin their date. Poor Kirk is overcompensating and won’t stop blabbering, trying to cheer her up.

I’m fed up with Ali now. Anybody else? You signed up for this gig! Stop whining. We do not feel bad for you. You’re famous, dating 25 guys and traveling around the world. I don’t care how nervous you are… shut it!

Kirk gives some long winded speech about deserving things or something. Whatever he’s blabbering about worked because Ali rejoined us on Planet Earth. After dinner they go outside and listen to some real creepy lady singing with her eye closed. The whole scene was uncomfortable.

Ali gears up for her date with Cape Chris and she’s starting to pull the friend card. I’m beginning to hate her more and more. Chris comes up with another great one liner, “I can’t be the dude who kills the Bachelorette.” He’s great. Ali lets us know that she’s having so much fun but she doesn’t know if his walls are coming down too late? Too late? Right. This is your second date alone with him. How dare he just start opening up now! Kill him!

She says it might be “too little too late.” She’s obviously reading my blog and now stealing my quotes. Whatevs.

Chris is so sweet… gives Ali a bracelet and shakes and turns red while putting it on. They kiss a little and it’s obvious that he is nervous with a wide lens 30 inches from his face. They lay in the grass, kiss, and he smells her armpit a little. The end.

With no shocker, Ty goes home. Did she really need to stand outside for so long in the rain? No. Dramatic.

And now… the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Wait, is it only 9:13? We get 45 minutes of Jake and Vienna?

Before the interview airs, I think a random thoughts:

1. Is Vienna maybe seeing her father now? They were pretty close.

2. What’s up with Chloe? (her dog) We haven’t seen her in a while!

3. I wonder if Vienna will pose for Playboy…

4. Or Jake for Playgirl… With Levi Johnston?!

Just some thoughts…

Anyways, from the beginning I thought Jake was coming off as a huge jerk. He’s never seemed genuine, but this was one of his worst moments.

A few notable mentions:

• Vienna says that all she wanted is a normal relationship. You went on The Bachelor to find love. End of discussion.
• She mentions that she wanted to have a voice, so she went to STAR Magazine. Really, V? It’s the least credible tabloid out there.
• Why do they keep bleeping out people’s last names? This is rude! You’re screwing with our minds and making us think that you’re cursing. I thought the guy from Glee’s name might be Greg Shit. I was really confused until she said her gay friend’s name and his last name was a curse too!

While watching, I was obviously on Twitter, reading what others thought and seeing the overall Twencus. That’s Twitter Concensus. A few interesting takes… Jessie Sulidis (Also known as bitch that sold out Roslyn last season and rained on Rated R’s parade by outing his 2 relationships) and Ashleigh Hunt (Also from Jake’s season, usually very drunk and blonde) both were tweeting about seeing Jake’s true colors.

Ashleigh HATED Vienna last season, almost as much as Ali, and she tweeted, “Jake the Fake… so nice to see his true colors. Xoxo @ViennaGirardi, you look great and way too good for him.” Interesting.

Jessie said, “I believe @ViennaGirardi. Sure Vienna was a bit immature and spoiled but after knowing the girl on the Bachelor I know she was always overly honest!”

Seems to me like Jake is in the wrong. Her emotions seem real and his just seem real angry. Kind of like, SIT DOWN WOMAN! I will say that if Vienna was lying, someone should steal her from her “marketing” job and hire her as a damn good actress.

Jake had this creepy grin the whole time, somewhat psychopathic. Somehow it seemed like Chris was taking Jake’s side and grilling Vienna way more. But it actually worked to her advantage. I was a little pissed that Chris said he didn’t care about the dog, cause hell, I did!

The whole thing was a massacre. All in all, I think it’s sad for both of them. They’re both classified retards.

Anyways, hometown dates next week! LOVE ‘EM! Looks like Kirk’s Dad will be the Token Whackjob, with a collection of dead animals. Roberto will be the Graham Bunn, showing off in his uniform. And Chris will win the hometown dates, with a Dad that seems like a true lovebug! Oh yeah, Frank sucks.

Did you wear your Team Jake or Team Vienna shirt to work today? Who would you pick if you were Ali? Until next time…