Team Vienna

Does anyone even remember what happened on Ali’s portion of the show after seeing Jake v. Vienna? I sure don’t but I’ll give it a try…

And then there were 5. Now we’re in Portugal and I must say that it’s the best place they’ve been. If I were Mr. Potatohead and I got the boot right before Portugal, I’d be one unhappy camper.

The guys meet Chris Harrison for the run down of Lisbon. Anyone notice Frank’s straight up Abercrombie model outfit? I think he was my manager back in 2003. He’s wearing a navy logo T with an anchor on it, with matching plaid shorts. He’s 30… this is a problem.

Roberto gets the first date card which reads, “Roberto, come be the king of my castle.” King in the castle, King in the castle… Anyone? Click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUjp5wI_wco&feature=related. When Ali picks up Roberto, she drops a few lines in Portugese… probably should never do that again. She is so white girl. Ali’s nervous that they won’t have fun but knows that they’ll have a passionate date. The date starts with a real weird photo shoot in Lisbon and we learn that Roberto hasn’t perfected the “Take a picture of me while I jump” thing. Then they dance in the streets.

I reallllly wish I was a stander-by at this moment. There was definitely NO music playing out loud in the streets. The date continues on some stairwell with a picturesque view of Portugal. Was anyone else nervous that Roberto might fall off? At one point it really looked like he was sitting right on the edge. Anyways…

Frank and Ty get the DREADED 2-on-1 date card. Guess what? I don’t feel bad for you guys. Suck it up and stop complaining. You both got 1-on-1’s last week and Frank, you’ve had 2. Stop crying.

All three of them keep talking about how bad this date is and Ali even encourages boozing to make it better. I have a brilliant idea – Why don’t one of you act human and be a little light hearted? Maybe I just really like games, but play the question game or something. Act like you’re 3 friends that are boozin’ it up together. Anything. Just please stop complaining about the 2-on-1.

Ali pulls the men apart and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Ali and Ty talk more about how he thinks a woman should cook, clean and raise babies, while she worries if his parents will accept her for a working girl. Ali and Frank talk about how he lives with his parents in a racecar bed with siderails. He then mentioned something about having his ex-girlfriend climb through the window to sneak in for late night loving. Oh wait, sorry that’s not until the Tahiti date! Sorry, but that is no longer a spoiler since ABC shows Frank making Ali cry in the previews over and over again.

Next up, Kirk and Ali go to a beautiful castle via carriage ride. From my eyes, this is definitely one of the most gorgeous dates yet. Ali is in a funk and she’s letting it ruin their date. Poor Kirk is overcompensating and won’t stop blabbering, trying to cheer her up.

I’m fed up with Ali now. Anybody else? You signed up for this gig! Stop whining. We do not feel bad for you. You’re famous, dating 25 guys and traveling around the world. I don’t care how nervous you are… shut it!

Kirk gives some long winded speech about deserving things or something. Whatever he’s blabbering about worked because Ali rejoined us on Planet Earth. After dinner they go outside and listen to some real creepy lady singing with her eye closed. The whole scene was uncomfortable.

Ali gears up for her date with Cape Chris and she’s starting to pull the friend card. I’m beginning to hate her more and more. Chris comes up with another great one liner, “I can’t be the dude who kills the Bachelorette.” He’s great. Ali lets us know that she’s having so much fun but she doesn’t know if his walls are coming down too late? Too late? Right. This is your second date alone with him. How dare he just start opening up now! Kill him!

She says it might be “too little too late.” She’s obviously reading my blog and now stealing my quotes. Whatevs.

Chris is so sweet… gives Ali a bracelet and shakes and turns red while putting it on. They kiss a little and it’s obvious that he is nervous with a wide lens 30 inches from his face. They lay in the grass, kiss, and he smells her armpit a little. The end.

With no shocker, Ty goes home. Did she really need to stand outside for so long in the rain? No. Dramatic.

And now… the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Wait, is it only 9:13? We get 45 minutes of Jake and Vienna?

Before the interview airs, I think a random thoughts:

1. Is Vienna maybe seeing her father now? They were pretty close.

2. What’s up with Chloe? (her dog) We haven’t seen her in a while!

3. I wonder if Vienna will pose for Playboy…

4. Or Jake for Playgirl… With Levi Johnston?!

Just some thoughts…

Anyways, from the beginning I thought Jake was coming off as a huge jerk. He’s never seemed genuine, but this was one of his worst moments.

A few notable mentions:

• Vienna says that all she wanted is a normal relationship. You went on The Bachelor to find love. End of discussion.
• She mentions that she wanted to have a voice, so she went to STAR Magazine. Really, V? It’s the least credible tabloid out there.
• Why do they keep bleeping out people’s last names? This is rude! You’re screwing with our minds and making us think that you’re cursing. I thought the guy from Glee’s name might be Greg Shit. I was really confused until she said her gay friend’s name and his last name was a curse too!

While watching, I was obviously on Twitter, reading what others thought and seeing the overall Twencus. That’s Twitter Concensus. A few interesting takes… Jessie Sulidis (Also known as bitch that sold out Roslyn last season and rained on Rated R’s parade by outing his 2 relationships) and Ashleigh Hunt (Also from Jake’s season, usually very drunk and blonde) both were tweeting about seeing Jake’s true colors.

Ashleigh HATED Vienna last season, almost as much as Ali, and she tweeted, “Jake the Fake… so nice to see his true colors. Xoxo @ViennaGirardi, you look great and way too good for him.” Interesting.

Jessie said, “I believe @ViennaGirardi. Sure Vienna was a bit immature and spoiled but after knowing the girl on the Bachelor I know she was always overly honest!”

Seems to me like Jake is in the wrong. Her emotions seem real and his just seem real angry. Kind of like, SIT DOWN WOMAN! I will say that if Vienna was lying, someone should steal her from her “marketing” job and hire her as a damn good actress.

Jake had this creepy grin the whole time, somewhat psychopathic. Somehow it seemed like Chris was taking Jake’s side and grilling Vienna way more. But it actually worked to her advantage. I was a little pissed that Chris said he didn’t care about the dog, cause hell, I did!

The whole thing was a massacre. All in all, I think it’s sad for both of them. They’re both classified retards.

Anyways, hometown dates next week! LOVE ‘EM! Looks like Kirk’s Dad will be the Token Whackjob, with a collection of dead animals. Roberto will be the Graham Bunn, showing off in his uniform. And Chris will win the hometown dates, with a Dad that seems like a true lovebug! Oh yeah, Frank sucks.

Did you wear your Team Jake or Team Vienna shirt to work today? Who would you pick if you were Ali? Until next time…