Tell me more about embalming...

We’re about halfway through the season. I can’t even remember which episode this one is. All I know is it’s going to be dramatic. The show starts off with the ladies finding out they’re going to Vegas. Michelle is sporting a small CD on her hand… I guess that’s a ring? The girls travel to Vegas and I actually have to admit, I’m surprised how casual they are for flying. I expected stilettos.

Shawntel gets the first date card, “Let’s end tonight with a bang!” Sounds like another movie making date… Shawntel sees Brad and runs into his arms. I call this “The Jillian.” That was the highlight of her season. Shawntel’s shopping spree is the best date I’ve ever seen on the show. Ever. Screw all these adventure dates… Let me take home thousands of dollars in merchandise. That sure beats a fiancé!

During their date, Brad thinks Shawntel is really stylish. No, that’s not style. That’s what happens when you let a skinny girl into a store like Fendi. Anyone will look stylish. Back at the suite, the girls are more jealous of the shopping spree than they’d be if Brad proposed to her.

Brad takes Shawntel to the roof and shows her what Vegas is really like. No Shawntel, take 15 Patron shots and then you’ll see the city like most people do. At dinner, she explains what her career entails. I’m hungry! Time to check on my dinner. At the suite, the other ladies are stealing Shawntel’s clothes. They get startled when the fireworks go off, but then they realize that means they have another 20 minutes at least.

Time for the much anticipated NASCAR date. Britt is wearing some heinous neon yellow outfit and Lisa needs keratin treatment. Whoa! Lisa speaks.

Brad seemed very genuine when he had his alone time with Emily. I like that he offered to end the date and leave if she was uncomfortable. Stand up guy. Even Michelle is tearing up! And smiling! Gosh jolly.

NASCAR date ends and guess where we’re going? A pool party! Alli decides to show her true colors here. Is bitch a color? “Someone comes in with the worst story and gets the most attention.” Yes Alli, that’s how it works. Don’t you watch Reality TV? Maybe if you weren’t so awful, he’d pay attention to you too. She lets Brad know that it’s hard to feel special. Well, maybe you aren’t special.

Michelle lets us know, again, that she is a woman. And everyone else is a girl.

The BFF’s are ready for their double date with Brad. They walk in unison to go meet their man. Literally, left… right… left… right. If you didn’t pick up on this, go back to your DVR. Spivey lets us know that she’s also battling a lot of inner demons today. Eek. Calm down Spivey! This is no way to start a date.

Sure enough, Brad sends Spivey home. Now she’s battling inner and outer demons. Okay truthfully, I feel to bad to make fun of Spivey. She’s adorable, and watching her leaving sad… it made me sad.

Brad and Hebert take the stage, guyliner and all. They dance to “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” while Spivey gets driven away in the limo. How symbolic! Hebert and Brad hold hands for their big moment. And we get a close up of Brad’s package in a harness.

Later on, Brad consults with his Therapist / Life Coach. Maybe Brad just doesn’t have any friends. I’d call my friends. Brad calls his Life Coach. I get it now.

It’s cocktail party time. Brad brings Alli a special gift to make her feel special. I hope it tasted like crap. Little does Alli know that Brad doesn’t even know what she wore the first night, the producers made him do this.

Marissa and Brad speak for the first time tonight! She gives him a gift of notes. It’s actually just little bits of information on her, so he can try to remember who she might be.

Then Michelle pulls him away. She closes the door and tells him it’s time for a black eye. Who knows… I do not understand one thing she said to him.

Marissa and Lisa get no roses and I must say, they’re crying quite a lot for having spoken to Brad once each.

Okay, let’s hear it. Is Chantal starting to annoy you? Would you be sick of the attention Emily’s getting? Do you still love her? Let me know what you think! Looking forward to hearing from everyone.

Someone feed these girls!

Michelle beat herself up in her sleep and now has a black eye. Totally normal… I do that ALL the time!

The girls sit around and wait for the first date card. It goes to Chantal! The date card reads, “How deep is your love?” They might be making another movie… Just a guess.

Chantal gets picked up by a helicopter – 1^st of the season! She kind of reminds me of a Molly Mesnick… Anyone agree? A very pretty and down to earth girl… Brad is very excited for this. He has been waiting to take Chantal on a date for SO long. A whole week! He also brought a wine cooler with him.

This underwater adventure is not my cup of tea. It looks kinda freezing outside and I’m not a fan of deep sea adventures. Those helmets might be even scarier than the deep sea aspect of the date. The nighttime aspect of the date is much more appealing to me. Although their conversations seem pretty bland, I suspect that the producers are downplaying this date. Each of their 1-on-1 camera time leads us to believe that the date was perfect.

Chantal apologizes to Brad for slapping him on the first night. The don’t show us the part where she says, “I’m sorry. The producers obviously made me do that!” Brad feels like his date with Chantal is JUST like any day in his normal life. Yes, me too. I walk on the ocean floor every morning.

Back at the crack-pad, Michelle is admitting that she probably hit herself in her sleep. She also lets everyone know that she isn’t eating or sleeping. Just my opinion, but I think you’re certifiable. She also tells us that she doesn’t like Chantal because she is loud, hard and headstrong. Oh, okay. And what are you?

Brad’s regular therapist is booked for the day, so he takes the group date ladies to see Dr. Drew and be on his show, “Love Line.” Pretty shitty date if you ask me. I’d rather avoid Brad’s therapy sessions. Luckily the producers knew how boring this date would be and decided to give them a few cocktails beforehand. Great call, always thinking!

Britt, who is trying out for the Tangled sequel after the Bachelor, gets really sappy with Brad. Stacey comes clean that she cheated on one boyfriend in college because she was drunk. She’s the only one? C’mon… I call BS.

Lisa – PRODUCT. Use some product please. A little Moroccan Oil never hurt anyone.

After the radio tour, the girls get in their bikinis for yet another pool/hot tub party. The theme of the evening is stealing Brad away from each other. Luckily for the viewers, Dr. Drew really revved up their inner nutjobness.

Ashley H. loses it and decides to drink herself stupid. She’s become bitchy and emotional. She also has stopped eating I think. Just an observation…

Brad calls Ashley H. out for being a psycho and gives the rose to Britt instead because they have good kisses. Just to remind everyone – Britt is a food writer. Not a critic. That would involve eating, which clearly she has no part of.

The next morning is MICHELLE’S DAY. Not to be confused with Michelle’s birthday. This is just her DAY. Ashley apologizes to Brad outside and removes herself from the Psycho Bitch Michelle category. Inside, Chantal gives Michelle a little piece of her mind. I’m currently designing my Team Chantal shirt.

Brad pulls out the 2^nd helicopter of the week and when they land on a tall building, Michelle gets ready to use the barf bag. Hey Michelle, if you want to go to dinner down there, we have to repel our way there. We also have to hunt down our food first. Just kidding…

Brad and Michelle take a huge LEAP OF FAITH and repel themselves down the LA building. Little does Michelle know that there are people inside that building trying to get through their normal work day. Talk about looking out your window and saying WTF.

They finally land and Brad is so relieved to take off the harness that is squishing his man stuff. Can someone tell me why people always jump in pools with their clothes on? It’s annoying. And you both have great bodies. Just take your clothes off. Brad falls victim to the hot girl syndrome and gives Michelle a rose.

Therapy session! Shocker. Brad needs to talk. He’s having a really hard time kissing and connecting with so many women. Reminder: You signed up for The Bachelor.

A few girls are nervous at the cocktail party. Lindsay Lohan is one of them. Yes, probably because you haven’t spoken to Brad yet. Meghan has a wall up. Probably because you haven’t spoken to Brad yet either. Sorry. I smell no roses for both of you.

Brad gives Emily a date in a goody bag because he thinks she deserves more than a 1-on-1 convo at a cocktail party. Ouch… The other girls don’t? Emily tells Brad that she left her daughter notes for her lunchbox. My mom still does that.

Not surprised - Stacey, Lindsay Lohan and Meghan don’t get roses. Stacey thought this ceremony was a “No Pants” party and unfortunately, Brad likes pants.

Who are your favorites this week? Is Ashley H. almost as crazy as Michelle? Are you team Michelle or Chantal? Let me know your thoughts in the comments! See you next week!

#ihaveagirlcrushonemily

Monday night therapy is back! This episode looks pretty emotional from the previews, so I’ve already prepped dinner and poured myself a hefty glass of wine to avoid any distractions.

Ashley S. gets the first date card and lets us know that she really wants Brad to kiss her. Well, I think you’re in luck! His track record is pretty on-point when it comes to making out. Just sayin’. Michelle is pissed. Brad needs a WOMAN, not a girl. Did you know it was her birthday last week? She’s 30 now.

Ashley gets so nervous for her karaoke date with Brad, you’d think she was performing at the Superbowl. Calm down. This is supposed to be fun. [I’m secretly SO jealous of this date. I love singing, love karaoke, and think I have talent that I probably don’t.]

This date is cute and I do really like Ashley, but she seems like she’s 15. It’s actually uncomfortable watching her and Brad… I keep thinking that he could be her Daddy… Or her older brother… Teacher… I don’t know, just old.

I can’t believe Seal signed up for this. Someone must have tricked him. Hey Seal, you’re going to be making a “Best Of” album in the studio today. APRIL FOOLS! This is for The Bachelor!!!!

Ashley tells Brad about her Dad. This is now “Girl With Daddy Issues # 2.” Date gets emotional. Brad gets teary eyed. The end. Rose.

Michelle finds out that she’s on the group date with 11 other girls and she is PISSED. This is becoming a theme. Michelle – Are you aware how the Bachelor works? You know that you signed up for a show where you compete with 29 other girls for ONE guy, right? Okay cool, just checking.

The 12 girls are told to dress in neon workout clothes that make them look as boob-tastic as possible. Luckily ABC has decided to switch up the dumb soap opera filming dates and doing an action film! Oh wait, I spoke too soon… This sucks too. At least Brad isn’t wearing fake chest hair.

Um… WHAT is Alli wearing? Do you actually work out in that or is it a Halloween costume? That is what girls who wanna get “picked up” at the gym wear. #sleazeball

Michelle says something about wishing the other girls would be kidnapped, bag over their heads, and brought to the desert. Cool, Michelle. That’s totally normal. She also demonstrates (again) what the fireworks will look like when her and Brad share their first kiss. I’m not sure what’s worse – her fireworks display or the “I got a rose” dance?

Pool party! Bikini time!

Chantal has her 1-on-1 time with Brad. I really like her. She cries, which I’d usually brutally make fun of, but it was kind of honest and cute? Anyone agree that she seemed genuine and not annoying? Chantal is also named “Girl With Daddy Issues # 3.”

Michelle creeps in on Alli’s 1-on-1 time, Shawntel gets the rose, and Michelle lets us know that she is ready to practice making babies with Brad.

Back at the house, Emily lets the girls know about her back story. She’s the cutest thing ever. Everyone’s crying… even the Vampire. Can Vampires cry? I need to read up on my Twilight.

Emily’s date starts off awkward. Brad is surprised that Emily has only had one serious boyfriend… Not that weird Brad, she’s only 24. You have 14 years on her.

In the barn (so romantic, BTW), Emily tells Brad her story. Great date. Love her. Almost cried. Rose.

Brad gets a visit from his therapist. Oh Jesus. This is getting to be too much. Brad – You do not need therapy. You need a break from Reality TV. Take it from me.

Rose Ceremony!

Alli wrapped herself up like a present for Brad. I guess it’s better than when she dressed up like an exercise dominatrix? Oh joy! Alli has DADDY ISSUES! Alli is “Girl With Daddy Issues # 4.”

Chantal’s dress, woof. Chantal and Brad talk about something, but I’m too distracted by the close-up boob shot that the cameras gave us… for 7 long seconds. Michelle interrupts. I really had confidence in Chantal knockin’ the bitch out… but no.

Michelle’s 1-on-1 is totally frustrating. She’s definitely the token lunatic. Michelle let’s Brad know that they’re in a fight. Grow up, Psycho-Pants.

Madison takes her fangs out and gets real. She’s not sure if she should stay. Brad sees her side boob squirting out of her dress, and he’s sure.

Brad tells Ashley H – “Let’s give this an HONEST SHOT.” Yes, Brad. Let’s give this an honest shot… On “The Bachelor.” Yes, honest shot.

During the rose ceremony, Madison leaves. Brad is sad, but kind of relieved that she hasn’t bit him. Bye bye Madison! Better luck with the Cullens!

Rose ceremony – All duh’s! I bet Brad wishes he had 3 less roses and didn’t have to give them to Meghan, Lindsay Lohan and Stacey. Unfortunately, Brad just didn’t know that Kimberly was beautiful, fun, funny, smart and awesome! In her words, f**k Brad! Whoa Kimmie… calm down over there. And Sarah, so long! Who are you?

This week was a little too emotional for me, no? Are you all in love with Emily too? How do we feel about the Ashley’s? Any early favorites? Let me know what you think! Love seeing the comments.

Some links for you!

How many days until the next episode? I've never longed so much for a Monday. To help get you through the next few days, I wanted to share some other fabulous Bachelor/ette blogs for your enjoyment!

Molly Mesnick: Every week Molly tapes a Vlog with her thoughts on the Bachelor episode. No, I didn't spell blog wrong, it's a Video blog. She's really adorable and gives a nice perspective on the show: http://www.celebtv.com/molly-mesnicks-exclusive-ibachelori-vlog-celebtv-episode-2.

Possessionista: This lady, Dana, is HYSTERICAL. You can follow her on Twitter at @possessionista. She live-tweets during the show and cracks me up weekly. Her passion is fashion and each week she finds out where all of the contestants get their outfits: http://www.possessionista.com/#axzz1AyCmCgyK. She finds outfits/accessories from other shows too, so check her out!

Deanna Pappas: One of my favorite Bachelorette's to date, she blogs each week on the show and her thoughts. Sometimes she also throws in a recipe! Reality TV & Cooking = My two favorite things! http://deanna-pappas.com/blog/

Natalie Getz: This girl is the best. I loved her on the Bachelor Pad and I love her blog. She's so funny and tells it like it is. Read her commentary each week here: http://topreasonstolovethebachelor.blogspot.com/2011/01/exclusive-bachelor-pad-winner-natalie.html.

Enjoy and have a fabulous weekend!

It's my birthday.

Okay kids: This week we will learn three lessons!

1. It’s Michelle’s birthday.

2. Melissa gave up EVERYTHING to be here.

3. Save the drama for yo’ mama.

Ashley H. gets the first date with Brad. In the spirit of things, she dresses for a dance recital. Brad picks her up and they take a ride in the convertible – Real rough choice for a girl’s “first date” hair. Brad pulls onto a dark road and Ashley pretends to freak out. I wish someone had jumped out in a Scream mask.

Ashley says something to the affect of “My dates always start out on deserted roads in the pitch black.” Typical… Oh wait, sorry, she said they don’t.

The date looks fun – give me some cotton candy, wine and carnival games and I’ll have a blast too. Brad and Ashley’s first kiss looked decent enough… I wasn’t paying too close attention… Was distracted by Ashley’s arms. She must be on the Jessica Biel Workout Plan.

We then learn that like Brad, Ashley H. has “Daddy Issues” too. This is SO meant to be! Both of our Dads were bad ones! Like, Oh My God! Brad feels so much lighter after their conversation. He probably just passed some “post-roller coaster gas.”

Back at the house, we find out that the group date is a biggy – 15 girls! This is NOT what Michelle was imagining for her birthday party. She emerges as the early psycho. Melissa, the other contender for early psycho let’s us know that she is BRINGING IT for the date. Oh yes Melissa, please do just that. We also learn that Melissa gave up EVERYTHING and quit her job to be here. WHAT?! You quit your job at the Waffle House? How could you!

Seriously Melissa, I don’t mean to degrade your career, but you’re a freaking waitress. My mom even texted me during the show and said, “I hate the waitress who keeps saying she quite her job 2 b here! She was a waitress… How hard is it to get another job at Dennys or the Pancake House?” Well said Mom, well said.

Group date starts and I first think that the date is all about giving blood. WTF. Bloods great and all, but that sure is not my idea of a date. Sign me up for one of those concerts or beach days. Oops, I’m wrong… It’s only a PSA shoot for the American Red Cross. I HATE these acting dates. Can not stand them.

It’s Michelle’s birthday and this is not what she wished for, so she’s going to throw a temper tantrum and not play. Stacey and Emily share so much spit through Brad on their 328 takes that they should have just made out and saved some time. Then Brit decides to eat Brad’s face. All in all, that’s the date.

The after party (which is the same place that Jake went with his ladies after their Glamour shoot) is on an LA hotel rooftop. Let’s hope no one fakes a tequila shot #mancode. Michelle pins down Brad and tells him that she thinks he has walls up. I think she’s had one too many martinis. She’d also like to peel all of his layers. Is that legal? Brad tells her that his biggest fear is ending up alone. My biggest fear is ever being as big of a pansy as Brad.

Back at the part-ay, the Manscaper and the Waffle House Waitress are fighting. So boring… at least get a litter dirtier. Brad gives his rose to Michelle, because IT’S HER BIRTHDAY. Also, because she threatened to peel all of his layers. Michelle then does a really creepy rose dance in the pool and I feel violated.

Jackie gets the one-on-one date and that leaves Ashley S, Lindsay Lohan and some blonde that I’ve never seen before for no dates.

Jackie and Brad do the whole “Pretty Woman” thing. Nice date. Just nice. I have nothing to say. Rose. The end.

Michelle grabs Brad at the cocktail party. She is one crazy bitch. Starbucks or Coffee Bean? What’s in your fridge? Water? OMG me too! Eggs? Me too! This is getting too crazy. What are the freaking chances Brad? She’s got to be the one.

Manscaper and Waffle House Waitress continue their battle at the party and start to pull everyone into it. Hey guys, you’re both not attractive and really annoying. The chances of you making it much further are real slim. You might as well stop embarrassing yourselves.

Melissa – how about don’t eat onion pizza? Or brush your teeth. You’re actually IN the house that you’re living in. I assume you have a toothbrush.

Random thought: Meghan, the fashion chic, what’s with the necklace? Where do you actually work? I’m trying not to judge.

Ali and Roberto make a boring appearance and decide to give Emily the rose… wish we could’ve at least seen them talking.

Roses go to the usual suspects. All of the ladies that didn’t get a date actually got a rose. I was surprised… Who was that blonde girl? I swear the first thing she said was “It’s like Christmas!” when she got the rose. Yes Sarah, just like Christmas.

Waffle House Waitress & Manscaper got the boot – shocker. I sure hope Friendly’s is hiring! And Keltie. At least she lets us know that she’s completely desperate, even dating at work didn’t work! No kidding Keltie… you’re a Rockette.

So, who are your favorites? Are you looking forward to Emily’s emotional chat with Brad next week? Would you have kept Michelle or is she getting too crazy for you? Let me know your thoughts in the comments section!

THERAPY WITH BRAD WOMACK - THE BACHELOR

So glad to be back! I've missed this blog...

Off to another season of bikinis, heartbreak and journeys. Luckily, this season will feature a new specialty – THERAPY. We kick off the episode with our usual male montage – abs, shower scene and extensive topless workouts.

Unfortunately, I didn’t see Brad’s first season of The Bachelor, so I’m not AS sick of seeing him dump Jenni and Deanna as most. But seriously, this is absurd. We’ve all seen it multiple times. No more.

We get to meet a few of the girls. Initial thoughts:

1. Ashley H is a dentist. She also needs new eyebrows and dances in her underwear.
2. It’s a good thing they aren’t posting the ages this season. Ashley S. is 17 and just got her GED. She’ll be 18 and legal just in time for the Fantasy Suites.
3. Chantal seems normal. She works for her Dad and is divorced. Do I see a Daddy’s brat here? Vienna Part II?
4. Rachel is a manscaper. She waxes. Maybe she could meet Ashley H. who needs a good eyebrow waxer?
5. Meghan, one of our worst dressed ladies, is in fashion. Go figure!
6. And Madison, well her audition tape for Twilight: Eclipse was accidently mailed to ABC The Bachelor. And the rest is history.
7. We’re introduced to Emily from North Carolina. Emily’s story has now reached into the hearts of the entire audience and she’s our new fan favorite. Hello: Kiptyn, Tenley, Deanna, Chris L … welcome Emily to the Fan Fav club!

Brad and Chris Harrison sit down for their 1-on-1 before the women arrive and Brad continues to talk about his issues and therapy sessions. Note to Brad: Brad, you do not have any issues for not proposing to someone that you knew for 6 weeks while dating 25 women. This is normal. You should sue ABC to reimburse you for all of your therapy sessions.

SHOCKER! Deanna and Jenni are here. This is the 7^th and final step in Brad’s recovery process. He must face the music. Nice to see our girl Deanna, but c’mon, b-o-r-i-n-g.

Limo time! My impressions…

1. First up, Chantal – ROCKIN’ those pit stains. My kinda girl! Someone obviously paid her to slap him. Not so shocking once we’ve seen it previewed daily on ABC.
2. Kimberly – You can’t do sparkles AND cleavage. Pick one. You’re annoying me before you even speak.
3. Ashley S – You’re definitely younger than me. Could Brad technically be your Dad? Yes.
4. Meghan – Again, our fashion girl with a big fashion faux pas. Ditch the shoes.
5. Lisa – Not sure how I feel about your ruby red shoes, but the self tanner explosion is definitely unfortunate.
6. J – Use your full name. Is it Jennifer? Don’t be ashamed about having the most generic name next to Mike and Chris. Embrace it.
7. Keltie – The Rockette on crack.
8. Emily – Someone get Brad a defibrillator. He might have stopped breathing.
9. Britt – Hi Britt. Meet Michelle. She’s a hairdresser and should help you.

This is the most boring first night cocktail party ever. No wasted girls. No “Who Is Here For The Wrong Reason?” box. All we hear about was Brad defending his decision to not propose to someone he didn’t love. Note to girls: If you have a brain, you should be happy that Brad will not propose for the sake of TV. This is called honorable. Google it.

Brad talks a lot about his intensive/extensive therapy. How intensive was it Brad? What does that really mean?

Memorable moments:

1. Brad really enjoys his time with Ashley S. She doesn’t care about his past because she was in junior high school and couldn’t watch the season yet.
2. Manscaper puts her gloves on and gets ready for a prostate. Oh, sorry, she’s just waxing his wrist.
3. Jackie pulls the token “make up a song card,” but unfortunately it’s not as serious and amusing as last season’s Kasey.
4. Renee and Alli with the big butt play the stealing game. You both lose. Crazy bitches never win.
5. Watching Renee’s 1-on-1’s get cut in on is hysterical.
6. Brad’s time with Emily is different than most. He’s much more focused on her and wondering about every single word coming out of her mouth.
7. Brad is MAD about Vampire’s fangs. He’s questioning if she is here for the right reasons or if she sent her tape to the wrong ABC show instead.
8. Brad spends some time with Michelle the hairdresser. Michelle is a woman, not a girl. If you didn’t know. She’s not a little girl. She has a little girl, but she is NOT a little girl. Did you get that?

Brad gives the first impression rose to his daughter, Ashley S.

Rose ceremony wasn’t very surprising. You knew he’d keep some weirdos like Vampire & Big Booty Alli. Anyone notice that the girls that get kicked off first are always the cockiest? And always have the best personalities.

Also, is Emily wearing her engagement ring still? Anyone catch that?

The season preview looks great. I hope it gets a little funnier and less “intensive therapy” focused because I need some good laughs. Right now it’s like watching Sober Sally.

So – Who is your early favorite? Who needs to go? Leave me your thoughts and any suggestions for this season! Looking forward to blogging every week!