It's my birthday.

Okay kids: This week we will learn three lessons!

1. It’s Michelle’s birthday.

2. Melissa gave up EVERYTHING to be here.

3. Save the drama for yo’ mama.

Ashley H. gets the first date with Brad. In the spirit of things, she dresses for a dance recital. Brad picks her up and they take a ride in the convertible – Real rough choice for a girl’s “first date” hair. Brad pulls onto a dark road and Ashley pretends to freak out. I wish someone had jumped out in a Scream mask.

Ashley says something to the affect of “My dates always start out on deserted roads in the pitch black.” Typical… Oh wait, sorry, she said they don’t.

The date looks fun – give me some cotton candy, wine and carnival games and I’ll have a blast too. Brad and Ashley’s first kiss looked decent enough… I wasn’t paying too close attention… Was distracted by Ashley’s arms. She must be on the Jessica Biel Workout Plan.

We then learn that like Brad, Ashley H. has “Daddy Issues” too. This is SO meant to be! Both of our Dads were bad ones! Like, Oh My God! Brad feels so much lighter after their conversation. He probably just passed some “post-roller coaster gas.”

Back at the house, we find out that the group date is a biggy – 15 girls! This is NOT what Michelle was imagining for her birthday party. She emerges as the early psycho. Melissa, the other contender for early psycho let’s us know that she is BRINGING IT for the date. Oh yes Melissa, please do just that. We also learn that Melissa gave up EVERYTHING and quit her job to be here. WHAT?! You quit your job at the Waffle House? How could you!

Seriously Melissa, I don’t mean to degrade your career, but you’re a freaking waitress. My mom even texted me during the show and said, “I hate the waitress who keeps saying she quite her job 2 b here! She was a waitress… How hard is it to get another job at Dennys or the Pancake House?” Well said Mom, well said.

Group date starts and I first think that the date is all about giving blood. WTF. Bloods great and all, but that sure is not my idea of a date. Sign me up for one of those concerts or beach days. Oops, I’m wrong… It’s only a PSA shoot for the American Red Cross. I HATE these acting dates. Can not stand them.

It’s Michelle’s birthday and this is not what she wished for, so she’s going to throw a temper tantrum and not play. Stacey and Emily share so much spit through Brad on their 328 takes that they should have just made out and saved some time. Then Brit decides to eat Brad’s face. All in all, that’s the date.

The after party (which is the same place that Jake went with his ladies after their Glamour shoot) is on an LA hotel rooftop. Let’s hope no one fakes a tequila shot #mancode. Michelle pins down Brad and tells him that she thinks he has walls up. I think she’s had one too many martinis. She’d also like to peel all of his layers. Is that legal? Brad tells her that his biggest fear is ending up alone. My biggest fear is ever being as big of a pansy as Brad.

Back at the part-ay, the Manscaper and the Waffle House Waitress are fighting. So boring… at least get a litter dirtier. Brad gives his rose to Michelle, because IT’S HER BIRTHDAY. Also, because she threatened to peel all of his layers. Michelle then does a really creepy rose dance in the pool and I feel violated.

Jackie gets the one-on-one date and that leaves Ashley S, Lindsay Lohan and some blonde that I’ve never seen before for no dates.

Jackie and Brad do the whole “Pretty Woman” thing. Nice date. Just nice. I have nothing to say. Rose. The end.

Michelle grabs Brad at the cocktail party. She is one crazy bitch. Starbucks or Coffee Bean? What’s in your fridge? Water? OMG me too! Eggs? Me too! This is getting too crazy. What are the freaking chances Brad? She’s got to be the one.

Manscaper and Waffle House Waitress continue their battle at the party and start to pull everyone into it. Hey guys, you’re both not attractive and really annoying. The chances of you making it much further are real slim. You might as well stop embarrassing yourselves.

Melissa – how about don’t eat onion pizza? Or brush your teeth. You’re actually IN the house that you’re living in. I assume you have a toothbrush.

Random thought: Meghan, the fashion chic, what’s with the necklace? Where do you actually work? I’m trying not to judge.

Ali and Roberto make a boring appearance and decide to give Emily the rose… wish we could’ve at least seen them talking.

Roses go to the usual suspects. All of the ladies that didn’t get a date actually got a rose. I was surprised… Who was that blonde girl? I swear the first thing she said was “It’s like Christmas!” when she got the rose. Yes Sarah, just like Christmas.

Waffle House Waitress & Manscaper got the boot – shocker. I sure hope Friendly’s is hiring! And Keltie. At least she lets us know that she’s completely desperate, even dating at work didn’t work! No kidding Keltie… you’re a Rockette.

So, who are your favorites? Are you looking forward to Emily’s emotional chat with Brad next week? Would you have kept Michelle or is she getting too crazy for you? Let me know your thoughts in the comments section!