Bachelorette Fantasy Suites - Let's Get Steamy!

I love the overnight date episode. Things finally move away from being deep and spiritual and turn a little more XXX. Ashley arrives in Fiji, gets out of a helicopter and miraculously does not pull a Britney. Girls got skills. Again, we recap her feelings of the remaining men. It took every ounce of control in me to not fast forward. Why does ABC insist on doing this each week? Give us more bloopers!

Uh oh… Ryan is back! He should have left his shirt back in the USA, along with the creepy stare he has plastered across his face. Ryan returns to tell Ashley that Wes has a girlfriend back at home and isn’t there for the right reasons. Oh wait, wrong season… Sorry about that! Ryan is back to tell her that he really felt a strong connection during their 15 minutes together and he’s been miserable since she kicked him to the curb. AKA Ryan stopped taking his Lexapro and the misery that is real life kicked in. Ashley is shitting bricks – total self esteem overload. Someone is finally madly in love with her and actually begging to come back! Oh how the tables have turned…

Ashley shows up to her date with Ben, probably a few hours late because of Ry. The two of them get to sail around Fiji on a gorgeous yacht and make out. Sounds like a great date to me! Ashley straddles Ben. I am happy. Finally, something steamy! Bring on the hot tubs next! They go snorkeling and float around the water. Ben says that he is floating and it feels great. He probably has gas.

At dinner, Ashley and Ben throw back a few Mai Tai’s, getting fully liquored up before it’s time for the Fantasy Suites. Ben tells Ashley that he’s completely available now. I think he really meant physically… After all, it is time for the Fantasy Suite. Ashley is so excited to show Ben the Fantasy Suite Card… And her goodies. They both decide to forgo their individual rooms and stay as a couple in the Fantasy Suite. If ABC ever changes the wording of the date cards (specifically forgo), I may forgo this show.

Back in the Fantasy Suite, Ashley and Ben go swimming. I was hoping for a skinny dip. They really let me down.

Morning rolls around and it’s time for Ashley’s date with Constantine. She has bed head from her wild night with Ben. I think Ben also ate half of her shirt. Constantine is rocking the Euro-Mullet, and boy what a fabulous sense of humor he has for noting that! Well played, sir. Ashley is shocked that Constantine has never been in a helicopter… I think that's normal.

Wait, pause. Is Ryan seriously standing on a sand dune looking up at her and Constantine? This show is genius. Wait, hold on. Now he’s in a cave pondering life. Brilliant.

Then Constantine and Ashley go to a waterfall. The wet rat look isn’t so great on Constantine. Ashley compares him looking at 108 houses to finding a wife. Way to over analyze him… These comparisons are not relevant! Ashley thinks it’s hard to read Constantine. I don’t think he likes her at all. Easy to read in my eyes.

Later that night, things get deep during dinner. Ashley doesn’t think that their relationship is progressing at the rate it should be. He’s not madly in love and ready to propose to her after only one month of group dating. Constantine would rather talk about Ben. Ashley is curious to know if it’s weird that he and Ben are dating the same girl. Constantine is thinking, “No. I’m just jealous that you got to spend a night in the Fantasy Suite with Ben and I didn’t.”

Ashley doesn’t feel loved. This is doomed. She wonders if he’s moving slowly because of the process… Yeah, maybe it’s the 5 cameras up in his face and the 2 up his ass. Just a thought! Well, it’s the end of the road for Constantine. With his exit, Ashley drinks the two fruity drinks, two glasses of wine, and heads alone to the Fantasy Suite. Once again, Ashley thinks about what might happen if she ends up alone. Don’t forget about Ryan!

The next morning, Ryan’s heart is beating out of his chest again. He obviously found his Lexapro and funneled 3 Red Bulls before seeing Ashley. I’ll put money on an upcoming endorsement deal from Ryan & Red Bull – Red Bull gives Ryan wings! Ashley dumps Ryan, again, and he’s defeated. ABC sets him up perfectly to be the next Bachelor… Ryan doesn’t think he’ll ever find love!

Time for Ashley to see her true love, JP! She is so much happier to see him than anyone else. They take a seaplane to a deserted island in Fiji… Remind anyone else of Ali and Roberto’s date in Bora Bora? Seems quite similar to me! Ashley and JP make out in the ocean for a few hours and JP tells her that he wants the whole thing to end. I’m really loving this episode… It’s getting hot!

Later that night, Ashley puts on her most bling-tastic earrings and is ready to play a cruel joke on JP… Telling him that she said goodbye to two guys this week. Why would you get his hopes up like that? I wish I could slap Ashley through the television. Dinner goes well, but the only thing I’m thinking about is the Fantasy Suite. Anyone else? JP tells Ashley that he needs a little something more. No kidding – That something can be found in the Fantasy Suite. It’s called sex.

The lovebirds head into the Fantasy Suite and Ashley puts on a sexy white button down and kicks out the camera crew. Cue porno music.

Why must we have a rose ceremony? Oh right, because Ashley needs another confidence boost… She needs to know that the two remaining men love her back. Ashley and Chris have a quick one-on-one session and she has a serious post-sex glow across her face.

At the rose ceremony, Ben finds out that Constantine left. He’s crushed, heartbroken, probably wants to walk out and go find his love. But, he accepts the rose.

Who’s excited for the finale next week? Who is your pick for the win? Leave some comments!

Bachelorette Hometown Dates & A Bachelor Meet & Greet!

Before I start, I wanted to quickly mention my birthday party. This weekend, I turned the big 2-5. Since I was having my party at a NYC staple, "The Frying Pan," I figured, Why not invite Ashley Spivey, my favorite Bachelor/ette friend!? I need to give her and Alli Travis a quick shout out and thank you for stopping by! It was so nice of them both. Both Ashley and Alli were both contestants on Brad Womack's season of The Bachelor. They both stopped by my party for a quick "Happy Birthday" and both could not have been any sweeter. Thanks again!

On to the show...

Time for the Bachelorette hometown dates! I have to admit… It’s my favorite episode. We usually get to see one incredibly awkward family, a weird ritual and stuffed dead animals. Unfortunately, not this time. These guys all come from normal, wealthy, well rounded families. What fun is this!? None.

Before Ashley makes her way across the country, she gives us a quick recap of her feelings:

• Ben: Ashley thinks that Ben is a “real guy.” I think Ben seems like a “real boy.”
• Constantine: Something about him is so sexy to Ashley. It’s probably that she can’t get him so easily and he hasn’t fallen head over heels for her yet. She thinks that he’s the total package. Too bad he thinks that Ben is the total package.
• Ames: I remember nothing about this.
• JP: Ashley feels like she’s known him forever.

Okay, glad we wasted 15 minutes of my life recapping what I already knew. Thanks again ABC for wasting away my 20’s.

First hometown date goes to Constantine! Ashley meets him in a park and pulls a “Jillian,” running, jumping into his arms and doing the twirl. Constantine dressed up big-time for the occasion, rocking his newest American Apparel hoodie.

The first stop on their date is Giorgio’s. The restaurant seems cute… A nice mix of Italian, American and Greek, according to Constantine. Back in the kitchen, Ashley tries to make a pizza, full of Constantine’s toppings. Then they toss salad together. Uh-oh.

Next step, Cumming. (If anyone thought anything inappropriate while reading the last two paragraphs, you have a dirty mind.) Constantine’s family is super adorable. How weird would it have been if they told Ashley that her twin sister, separated at birth, was Constantine’s sister Maria? Wouldn’t have been too surprised considering they looked like twins.

Constantine’s mom thinks that they need more time together. So do I, Mrs. Tzortzis, but you know he’s on The Bachelorette, right? She asks Ashley if she’d be willing to relocate to Cumming and Ashley is on board. Constantine’s dad thinks that this whole sha-bang is bonkers.

Soon they’re joined by the entire Greek entourage. Love it! Great family, Constantine.

Moving along to Pennsylvania… Time to meet THE ROBOTS.

Luckily, Ames read my blog last week and burned his ADIDAS pants. He looks 100x better in the jeans/flannel combination. Thank god! On the flip side, Ames took a bottle of Jergens Natural Glow to the face and is borderline orange. His mom tells him that she thinks he looks healthy. I think he looks like Snooki.

Ames could not be any sweeter on this date, but his robotic ways are coming out around the family as well. If you talk to your mom like a robot, you’re a robot. I see where he gets it from though… Ames’ mom thinks that the world is their oyster. HE GET IT FROM HIS MAMA. It breaks my heart to think that Ames has lost both his father and stepfather… And it does help me appreciate why Ames is who he is.

Ashley mentions multiple times that their relationship has moved much slower than the others. AKA He’s getting the boot. She’s setting the stage.

*CHEESY WARNING: Ames gets a lot of credit for this quote – “There is so much more magic in the ordinary. Life isn’t all fireworks.” I loved this from him. I told my boyfriend that him watching The Bachelorette with me was “ordinary fireworks.” He basically told me to F off. Oh well, worth a shot!

FINALLY, time for the date with Ben in Sonoma! I’ve been waiting for this since he exited the limo. According to Ashley, everything about Ben screams sexiness. Chill out Ashley, it’s just the winery that’s screaming sexy. Bring on the Pinot!

This whole date is a little boring for me. Ben is great. Such a doll, fun, warm, but this date was a total snoozefest. They bond outside in the rain and then head in to meet the family. His mom and sister are nice, but the whole thing is a bit stuffy and sad for my liking. Not helping my humorous blog. I don’t enjoy crying during The Bachelorette.

One thought on Ben… He seems young for Ashley. I know he’s older than her, but he seems a little bit like a kid still and not ready for the whole 6 week engagement thing.

Last stop on the Hometown Train – Roslyn, NY! I was really hoping that JP’s cousin (my friend from FSU) would make an appearance on this date, but I’ll settle for the rest of his family. JP and Ashley meet in a park, straight out of Alice in Wonderland, and then head to the skating rink. This place is a dead ringer for Skater’s World. Anyone from Wayne, NJ will understand. It’s bringing me back to my 7^th birthday party.

Again, let’s all take a quick reality check. These two are in love… So much more than the other guys! They can’t stop kissing! This date is just precious.

Time to meet the Rosenbaums! Ilene cooks up some lasagna and I feel right at home. I love JP’s mom… Can I adopt her? She’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. The perfect mother in law. She’s asking all of the right questions.

Ilene and Ashley have some one on one time and she lets Ashley know that she’s nervous that JP’s heart will be broken. ABC obviously edited out the part where Ashley says, “Don’t worry Ilene. I’m madly in love with your son and choosing him in the end. Legally I can’t eliminate three guys at the rose ceremony or I totally would!”

Brother Roy is cool beans in my book. Him and JP seem like they have a good relationship. I wish we got to see more of Mr. Rosenbaum.

OMG – JP’s Bar Mitzvah photo is to die for. The quaff is killer. Their babies will be so cute!

Okay, okay, honeymoon’s over. Back to Los Angeles! Ashley recaps the hometown dates for Chris Harrison. I take a quick power nap. She says that Constantine’s was the best hometown date. How dare she say that! Did she forget how precious Ilene is? Rude.

At the Rose Ceremony, poor Ames gets the heave-ho. In Ames fashion, they shake hands goodbye. I will say… Ames seemed more natural in the limo than during the whole season. I hope he finds someone to share his adventures with!

Who is your pick? Which family was your favorite? Would you love to see a guest blog from Ilene? Leave some comments!

Bachelorette Takes Taiwan!

I’m going to start out by addressing one of the most serious issues of the evening… Ames’ clothing choices. The first problem: ADIDAS pants went out of style in 1999. The second: If you’re going to wear them, WHY with a plaid shirt? C’mon Ames. You’re killing me here.


We’ll address the second problematic outfit shortly. Moving on…

We kick off the episode with Ashley recapping her feelings on each of the remaining men and with Chris Harrison letting them know that four of them will be the “Fortunate Four.” Never heard that one before… What happened to Final Four?

Constantine gets the first 1-on-1 date. If I was Ryan, I’d be popping a Lexapro right about now. Ashley and Constantine board their train and I’m wondering if this could end up like Robby D. in Jillian’s season, where she kicked him off the train and left him on the side of the road. Luckily for Constantine, this was not an elimination/rose date. The two of them paint their love wishes on a lantern. I caught a glimpse of what they really said…

• Ashley’s: I hope that I can stop faking my affection for these other guys and just end up with JP soon.
• Constantine’s: I hope that my bromance with Ben lasts forever and forever. (BF + CT = Love 4EAE)

The night portion of their date is boring, as usual. I really like Constantine… He’s normal, isn’t falling head over heels yet, and seems to be a stand-up dude. This means that he’ll never win. In Bachelor land, you must already be crazy in love to stand a chance.

Ben gets the next date. Ryan is now overdosing on Lexapro, while JP is beginning his freakout session. Ashley and Ben ride on their mopeds around Taiwan and Ben thinks that it feels natural to have Ashley’s legs wrapped around him. Now we’re talkin!

Back at the hotel, Ryan gets his 1-on-1 date card and does some creepy elbow move to celebrate. WTF was that? Anyone have any explanations? Ryan has a “whole bunch of energy running through him and he can’t turn it off.” Jesus Christ Ryan, lay off the drugs! Watching him gives me severe anxiety.

Anyways, back on the date, Ben is totally confident that he’s getting a hometown date. I would be too if I was a winemaker. Ashley is obviously going to choose day of wine tasting rather than learning about solar powered energy. Ben also refers to love as the L-Bomb which scores major points in my book. He’s a nerd and I like it. I think they’re very cute together. If JP wasn’t on the show, Ben would probably have a good chance.

While getting ready for the group date, the guys realize that Ben hasn’t come home. JP is borderline raging and wants to kick Ben’s ass when he gets home. Ben managed to get right under JP’s skin when he got back, avoiding giving the guys any details of why he was gone overnight. I’m sure his beanie made it even more frustrating.

Time for another really stupid date by ABC – a wedding photo shoot! Why?! One of the best lines of the evening goes to JP for comparing Ames to an “offspring of an ostrich and Elton John.” Genius. This whole date is weird. JP looks great. Ames looks like a freak. And Lucas is in perfect character, looking uptight and kind of scary as usual.

The evening is just as awkward. Love Ashley’s green dress… or shirt… whichever it really is. Now it’s time for Ames’ second fashion offense…


What shade would you consider these pants? Washed too many times cherry red? Pepto? Magenta? Whatever they are… They are wrong.

FINALLY, Ryan gets his 1-on-1 date and his heart is beating out of his chest again. Oh man. The date starts out with another spiritual activity… throwing some rocks on the ground and hoping they come up opposites. I’m really sick of these mushy spiritual activities. Can we try something a little more raunchy? What happened to hot tub make out scenes? C’mon! I'm so ready for the Bachelor Pad.

Ryan goes on a tangent about heating water and Ashley knows they’re doomed. She’s not green, litters and leaves the faucet on while brushing her teeth. Time for Ryan to go home. But wait, don’t you feel bad for this face? He’s shocked! Sad! Heartbroken! BREAK OUT THE LEXAPRO! CALL THE ABC PSYCHOTHERAPIST! BRAD WOMACK – WHERE IS YOUR SHRINK? WE NEED HIM!


I will say that Ryan shouldn’t have been so surprised. They never had a 1-on-1 date until this point which is a clear sign. With that said, I still feel bad for him. He does not take it so well. His exit was pretty brutal to watch.

The rest of the episode is a bore. Ashley knows that she’s sending Lucas home so we’re able to skip over the cocktail party and make time for the Emily/Brad saga. Lucas goes home and I’m not sad. Kind of relieved, but I will say… He took it like a man and was a real gentleman. I've been pretty hard on Lucas this season... I doubt he'll become a fan of my blog.

I didn’t have time to watch the Emily confessions. I’m saving that for tonight! Which means, another blog post tomorrow! Hoorah!

So, which hometown date are you most excited for? Do you think Ryan has a shot at being the next Bachelor? Leave some comments!