Bachelorette Fantasy Suites - Let's Get Steamy!

I love the overnight date episode. Things finally move away from being deep and spiritual and turn a little more XXX. Ashley arrives in Fiji, gets out of a helicopter and miraculously does not pull a Britney. Girls got skills. Again, we recap her feelings of the remaining men. It took every ounce of control in me to not fast forward. Why does ABC insist on doing this each week? Give us more bloopers!

Uh oh… Ryan is back! He should have left his shirt back in the USA, along with the creepy stare he has plastered across his face. Ryan returns to tell Ashley that Wes has a girlfriend back at home and isn’t there for the right reasons. Oh wait, wrong season… Sorry about that! Ryan is back to tell her that he really felt a strong connection during their 15 minutes together and he’s been miserable since she kicked him to the curb. AKA Ryan stopped taking his Lexapro and the misery that is real life kicked in. Ashley is shitting bricks – total self esteem overload. Someone is finally madly in love with her and actually begging to come back! Oh how the tables have turned…

Ashley shows up to her date with Ben, probably a few hours late because of Ry. The two of them get to sail around Fiji on a gorgeous yacht and make out. Sounds like a great date to me! Ashley straddles Ben. I am happy. Finally, something steamy! Bring on the hot tubs next! They go snorkeling and float around the water. Ben says that he is floating and it feels great. He probably has gas.

At dinner, Ashley and Ben throw back a few Mai Tai’s, getting fully liquored up before it’s time for the Fantasy Suites. Ben tells Ashley that he’s completely available now. I think he really meant physically… After all, it is time for the Fantasy Suite. Ashley is so excited to show Ben the Fantasy Suite Card… And her goodies. They both decide to forgo their individual rooms and stay as a couple in the Fantasy Suite. If ABC ever changes the wording of the date cards (specifically forgo), I may forgo this show.

Back in the Fantasy Suite, Ashley and Ben go swimming. I was hoping for a skinny dip. They really let me down.

Morning rolls around and it’s time for Ashley’s date with Constantine. She has bed head from her wild night with Ben. I think Ben also ate half of her shirt. Constantine is rocking the Euro-Mullet, and boy what a fabulous sense of humor he has for noting that! Well played, sir. Ashley is shocked that Constantine has never been in a helicopter… I think that's normal.

Wait, pause. Is Ryan seriously standing on a sand dune looking up at her and Constantine? This show is genius. Wait, hold on. Now he’s in a cave pondering life. Brilliant.

Then Constantine and Ashley go to a waterfall. The wet rat look isn’t so great on Constantine. Ashley compares him looking at 108 houses to finding a wife. Way to over analyze him… These comparisons are not relevant! Ashley thinks it’s hard to read Constantine. I don’t think he likes her at all. Easy to read in my eyes.

Later that night, things get deep during dinner. Ashley doesn’t think that their relationship is progressing at the rate it should be. He’s not madly in love and ready to propose to her after only one month of group dating. Constantine would rather talk about Ben. Ashley is curious to know if it’s weird that he and Ben are dating the same girl. Constantine is thinking, “No. I’m just jealous that you got to spend a night in the Fantasy Suite with Ben and I didn’t.”

Ashley doesn’t feel loved. This is doomed. She wonders if he’s moving slowly because of the process… Yeah, maybe it’s the 5 cameras up in his face and the 2 up his ass. Just a thought! Well, it’s the end of the road for Constantine. With his exit, Ashley drinks the two fruity drinks, two glasses of wine, and heads alone to the Fantasy Suite. Once again, Ashley thinks about what might happen if she ends up alone. Don’t forget about Ryan!

The next morning, Ryan’s heart is beating out of his chest again. He obviously found his Lexapro and funneled 3 Red Bulls before seeing Ashley. I’ll put money on an upcoming endorsement deal from Ryan & Red Bull – Red Bull gives Ryan wings! Ashley dumps Ryan, again, and he’s defeated. ABC sets him up perfectly to be the next Bachelor… Ryan doesn’t think he’ll ever find love!

Time for Ashley to see her true love, JP! She is so much happier to see him than anyone else. They take a seaplane to a deserted island in Fiji… Remind anyone else of Ali and Roberto’s date in Bora Bora? Seems quite similar to me! Ashley and JP make out in the ocean for a few hours and JP tells her that he wants the whole thing to end. I’m really loving this episode… It’s getting hot!

Later that night, Ashley puts on her most bling-tastic earrings and is ready to play a cruel joke on JP… Telling him that she said goodbye to two guys this week. Why would you get his hopes up like that? I wish I could slap Ashley through the television. Dinner goes well, but the only thing I’m thinking about is the Fantasy Suite. Anyone else? JP tells Ashley that he needs a little something more. No kidding – That something can be found in the Fantasy Suite. It’s called sex.

The lovebirds head into the Fantasy Suite and Ashley puts on a sexy white button down and kicks out the camera crew. Cue porno music.

Why must we have a rose ceremony? Oh right, because Ashley needs another confidence boost… She needs to know that the two remaining men love her back. Ashley and Chris have a quick one-on-one session and she has a serious post-sex glow across her face.

At the rose ceremony, Ben finds out that Constantine left. He’s crushed, heartbroken, probably wants to walk out and go find his love. But, he accepts the rose.

Who’s excited for the finale next week? Who is your pick for the win? Leave some comments!