Tuesday, August 16, 2011

It's Like Picasso Went to Town on Her Back! - Bachelor Pad, Week 2

Another week of Bachelor Pad and another evening of pure hilarity. The show opens up with the cast recovering from their first dramatic rose ceremony, all thankful that they have another few days in the mansion. Unfortunately, we’re forced to look at Erica Rose again, who is still wearing the hideous sparkle dress that she mistakenly wore to last week’s rose ceremony. I’m now also noticing that she hasn’t washed her hair since Prince Borghese’s season of the Bachelor.


The crew gets ready for their second degrading challenge and I cannot wait! There are guaranteed to be many tears and broken egos. The girls are up first and they throw paint filled eggs as hard as my 4 year old niece would. I’m sorry, but if $250K is on the line, I’m winding up and nailing these targets. The most bizarre choice in this round was Jackie claiming that Graham was least deserving of the money. That almost makes sense… Graham, who is the founder of a children’s charity and wants to save children in other countries…Totally undeserving!


The challenge comes down to Melissa and Jackie and they need to decide who is dumbest in the house. Unfortunately, Melissa is unable to throw the egg at herself, which would have been the logical target. She wins this challenge and I gag because that means we’ll be seeing way too much of her in the rest of the episode.


The guys are up and the moral of this story is that Erica fails. The guys think she’s most likely to cheat, want her to go home, and are least attracted to her. Pack your bags now and cut your losses, Erica. Well said by William, “It’s like Picasso went to town on her back.” Genius. Erica is devastated and has a huge reality check. I do not feel bad at all for her. 1. Stop going on Reality Television 2. Did you not see last season’s Bachelor Pad? Then, to make matters worse, Erica calls out Ella and says that she’s bigger than her and not that pretty. Too bad there wasn’t a “classiest girl in the house” category, because I’m sure you would’ve won that one also, Erica.


Michael Stag wins for the guys. When Chris Harrison announces that Michael and Melissa get separate dates, I’m pretty sure that Michael shit himself with relief.


When it comes time to pick his ladies, Michael proves that he’s a class act with his choices. He’s picking:
  1. Erica - Because he realizes she is completely pathetic and a total slob. Might as well get on her good side!
  2. Michelle – Because she’s hot.
  3. Holly – Because he’s in love with her.


Rather than do something romantic and exciting, Michael gets to take his dates to an insane asylum. I’m pretty sure that half of this cast was admitted to this asylum within the past few years…


This could be one of the most un-fun dates in all of Bachelor Pad history. First, Michael spends some quality time with Erica and they talk to the dead. How many valiums does Erica have to take to sound as monotone and boring as she does? 3? 4? If you ever want to torture someone, play Erica and Kasey’s voices on repeat.


Meanwhile, Michelle and Holly bond and Michelle is convinced that there is still something between Michael and Holly. Holly is daydreaming about making babies with Blake.


Michael and Holly have their big moment outside. For a moment here, I’m convinced that my TV switched to watching “Days of Our Lives” because the last time I checked, Bachelor Pad should not be so emotional. Michael reiterates that he waited a FULL YEAR to propose. The last time I checked, a year is not a long time to wait, unless you’re playing by Kardashian rules. He’s also really proud of them for everything they’ve been through… Proud of them for coming on a Reality TV show to air out all of their dirty laundry in front of millions? I’m not sure I would have used the word proud.


After this conversation, I still have no idea what happened between Holly and Michael. All I know is that they each dumped each other, he’s not sure why, and she considers them in the friend zone. And Michael is a sad puppy.


Back at the house, Kirk is confused by the freakshow going on around him. Me too Kirk, me too. Melissa’s date card comes and all of the guys are crossing their fingers that she doesn’t pick them. Except Jake… Jake is depressed and wants out of the mansion! He’s desperate. Someone give this guy a lifeline!


Melissa chooses Kirk, Kasey and Blake. Do you think she has a type? Blake knows that Melissa wants his junk, but he wants nothing to do with her. BUT, for a rose, he’s willing to put out the goodies.


On the yacht, Blake is working it. He definitely knows how to take advantage of a girl with no self esteem. Melissa promised Kasey the rose, but if Blake continues to rub Melissa’s inner thigh, Kasey can kiss that rose goodbye. Remember on Brad’s season when Melissa had onion pizza breathe because she ate 4 slices of onion pizza before the cocktail party? She should probably re-visit that pizza because homegirl is wilting away. Between her collarbones protruding and her serious need for shampoo, I’m having a really difficult time watching her and Blake suck face.


Blake puts out and gets the rose. Kasey and Kirk ride away on their romantic love boat for two and Blake contemplates jumping in with them. It’s definitely a better option that continuing to make out with Melissa all night! But, he’s drunk, so he’ll slut it up.


Cut to the mansion and welcome back to the Jake and Vienna Show! Jake tries to talk to Vienna in private but she’s not comfortable speaking to him without Kasey around. Is she delusional? What does she think is going to happen? Are the five cameramen not enough security for you? Grow up, V.


Holly and Blake are recovering from their dates and snuggling. Holly teases Blake and calls Melissa his girlfriend, while Blake throws up a little in his mouth. He compares Melissa to a typhoon capsizing him… Woof! Blake isn’t surprised that Melissa is single at 32… Neither are we Blake.


Everyone is getting ready for the rose ceremony. Ella is helping Erica with her fake eyelashes… Little does she know that Erica called her fat and ugly. Vienna and Kasey are solidifying their places as “Biggest Bullies in the House,” by picking on Jake and telling the entire world that he’s in debt and wouldn’t do anything positive with the $250K. Ella and Kirk just sit and watch in awe, but keep their mouths shut.


Then we’re forced to watch Kasey make his tattoo heart beat for us. Disgusting. Kasey’s douche level just skyrocketed to 1000.


Vienna and Kasey are convinced that Jake is going home, until…. Chris Harrison saves the day! Chris announces that 2 females will be leaving the mansion. Vienna is BUGGING OUT and protesting that it’s cheating. No, it is not cheating. ANYTHING Chris Harrison says, goes. My Dad texted me during this scene and said “Can he do that?” and I responded with, “Yes, Chris is god. He can do anything.” Enough said.


Graham, Kasey and Gia get into a fight, but I’m completely uninterested at this point. All I know is that Kasey screwed over Graham and Graham screwed over Gia. And Gia is done, again, with Bachelor Pad. She doesn’t think she is made for this game. Third time’s a charm! Michelle is pumped up to officially be “Best Looking” in the house.


It’s time to vote. Erica thinks that Ella is a good competitor, needs the money and would do anything to win. So, she votes for her. Ugh, such a pig. Blake and Holly continue to flirt, while Melissa sits alone in the corner seething. Melissa knew that she shouldn’t develop romantic feelings for a guy but one night of making out and she’s cooked.


It’s down to Ella and Jackie, and Jackie leaves. But not before Ames runs after her in his red pants to create the perfect fairytale ending! If he wasn’t wearing the red pants, this scene wouldn’t have been anywhere near as cool. And if only we didn’t know that they have already broken up…


Ames and Jackie are in love. No. It’s been a week. That is not love.


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