Who wants a burrito?

Bachelorette - Week 5

Before we talk about last night's ice party, I wanted to make sure that everyone heard Jake and Vienna split. Shocker? Nope. We'll see what is in store for them next. I'm sure Jake will try to find love again. Vienna will go for a sleazebag.

On to last night...

Our Icelandic adventure starts in the air with the boys flying to Iceland, practicing how to say love in Icelandic. I might really make myself sound stupid here, but who knew Icelandic was a language. Within 5 minutes of the episode, I miss the Weatherman. A lot. His comedic value was priceless. Ali, I will never forgive you for denying us his humor and leaving us with some big duds.

Everyone was given matching trapper hats for the trip, but clearly just for the “look.” Because Harrison was in a button down with a sweater, no jacket. It couldn't have been that cold during poem time. Or he’s just the man. Probably the latter.

The boys are given the challenge of writing a poem for Ali. Kasey gets real nervous about only having one hour to come up with a 15 second poem. C’mon Kasey, you spit lyrics like a seasoned rapper, this should be cake! Man up! We’re introduced to this guy named Chris N. Did anyone else know he was on the show? Not me.

One of the guys mentioned that Ali looks good in whatever she wears. Does anyone else hear the voice of Dream Phone? “She looks good in whatever she wears. She’s not wearing anything yellow.” “He likes most sports, but not baseball.”

The guys start their poems and the awkward moments continue. I seriously hope at this point that someone rhymes heart with fart. Anyone else think that? C’mon, don’t lie!

It’s Kasey’s turn and he’s speaking faster than ever before. And finally… ABC MUST HAVE READ MY BLOG! Kasey gets SUBTITLES. Hallelujah! I’ve concluded a few things here, but most importantly – Kasey was never deaf in his life. Over the past 4 weeks I’ve seriously thought that Kasey might have been deaf earlier in life. I thought I might be going to hell. But NOPE! They never would have used subtitles and made a mockery out of him. YAY! He’s just a weirdo! We can safely make fun of his voice from here on out without worrying about being offensive! HOORAH!

Next we learn why Chris N. has never spoken before. He is a complete freak. His poem gives Kasey’s songs a run for their money in the “How awkward can we make everyone else feel right now” category.

Roberto should’ve skipped the Icelandic and been like, Hola mi amor, besos besos. I think she would’ve fainted on the spot. Instead, he get’s shown up by Kirk and Frank the Energy Tank.

Kirk wins the date.

Kirk and Ali start their lame (in terms of activity, not love) date by trying on ugly sweaters. Maybe I should invite them to my friend Greg’s annual ugly sweater party? The date reminds me of Jillian and Jake’s date when they tried on western clothes. Except this date is missing the humorous tool Jake. It’s just blah. No helicopter, tight rope walking, hot tubs … just ugly sweaters and lobsters.

Their date goes well. I really like Kirk. I just have nothing to say because he’s pretty normal and they’re cute. One thing he said was pretty annoying – “I don’t think I’ve felt like this before and I feel so lucky.” Kirk, it’s your first date alone with Ali. Chill out.

The group date is right up Ty’s alley. We know this because someone reminds us every 45 seconds that Ty is a cowboy and taking control of the date. Did you know Ty is ruling the date?

Frank the Energy Tank is completely deflated on this date. He’s lost all of his mojo. You peaked during Episode 1 and now you are treading water. Get it together. You’re self destructing.

I miss the Weatherman. What’s the forecast?

Time for hot springs! Anyone else want Ali’s abs right about now? I should probably go to the gym tomorrow. Currently eating chips and feeling guilty… anyways…

Ty gets the rose and that’s about as surprising as Kasey telling Ali he’s here to guard and protect her heart. As if we didn’t see that one coming…

The match-up is finally here. Rated R vs. Rated Reject. Gimpy vs. Sounds Deaf. Kasey gives us a few solid quotes leading up to the date: “I got this tattoo to be someone. To be a man. To be a man for Ali.” “I love to love. I love to give. I love to share.” Oh dear Kasey, you sure are somebody. You are somebody that will go down in Bachelor history as a huge retard. Let’s just all jump in your heart and stay a while.

Rated R is all ready for his date, he even upgraded his cast for a boot. Take that Kasey! While Rated R and Ali are in the ice cave talking about Justin being here for the right reasons, Kasey is outside coughing up a lung. What is he drinking? Whatever it is, isn’t working out so well for him.

Ali let’s us know that she asked Kasey to take a step back from mushy gushy and "just be normal." Well, good thing he got a tattoo with her heart on it! No more mush for him! Super normal! Then… He drops the bomb.

Ali’s face is priceless. Inside Ali’s head – What? That’s my heart? On your arm? 11 stones? But there are only 9 of you now. What’s going on? Is Ashton going to jump out and tell me that I’m being punked? Did you buy that in a pack of 10 at Hot Topic and use water and a washcloth to stick it on?

With that, Kasey gets the boot. She thanks him for being him and letting him know that he needs to go find “that girl.” Kasey is wondering where the closest active volcano is, so he can jump in, but only to guard and protect his own heart.

The new cocktail party venue is pretty spiffy. Frank and Ali renew their vows. I mean, their relationship.

Mr. Potatohead gets huge points for his temporary tattoo, but he should probably work on some romance.

Hey Chris N. – Tell me something about you that would surprise me. Something funny! …. (insert silence and crickets)… I like Mexican food.

Hmm… I wonder who is going home?

With that, Ali hands out 5 roses and decides that Mexican food is not her cup of tea. Chris N. leaves. Hopefully someone will hand him a giant burrito on the way out.

What'd you think of tonight's episode? Do you miss the Weatherman as much as I do? Who is your pick to win? Leave some feedback! I love reading it!