Where are my earplugs?

Bachelorette - Episode 4

Was that a good episode or what? There was so much absurdness in those 120 minutes that I feel pressure to write a killer blog today. There were so many awkward moments that I didn’t know what to do with myself. Many of my notes say – What? No. Stop now. OMG.

Ali’s trip around the world begins in The Big Apple. She gets her little InStyle makeover to look “like a New Yorker.” Thank god for Hal Rubenstein for fixing up her hair. Although later it still looks hideous. Fail.

When the boys land in New York, Jonathan kisses a direction sign outside of the airport. Did anyone notice? He contracted 5 diseases.

Kasey gets the first date card. I get nervous. Will ABC help us out and provide subtitles? This is a lot of talking coming our way from Kasey. Nope. No subtitles. Throughout the beginning of the date I find myself reading Kasey’s lips because if I don’t, I have no idea what he is saying.

Ali and Kasey take a helicopter – no way! What a surprise! And I think they picnic in New Jersey. I could be wrong, but I think they’re in Jersey City. Kasey rambles (literally) on and on about Ali’s journey being similar to a cocoon and a butterfly. Kasey, please stop now. Oh wait, NOW YOU ARE SINGING.

This is one of the most awkward moments in Bachelor history. Ali’s face screams – W T F?! PLEASE STOP. There is silence everywhere. Kasey might have gotten The Bachelorette confused with High School Musical 2 because no one is supposed to break out in random song except Zac Efron.

The date continues at the Museum of Natural History and again, Kasey breaks out into song one more time. Please God, stop this kid. He also impersonates a monkey at one point and his impression has NOTHING on mine. If I wouldn’t totally embarrass myself, I’d upload a video. Maybe next week.

Ali says on her camera interview that Kasey can be “a little cheesy.” Little cheesy? Ali, get a grip and be honest. You will NEVER end up with this toolbox. Kasey then digs his hole of cheese even deeper – “You’re everything I ever wanted. You’re different because you’re Ali. Jump into my heart, stay a while.” Jump into my heart? I think you’re close to a bridge Kasey. Maybe you should jump off that and save yourself the embarrassment. I don’t think I’ve felt this embarrassed for a contestant since Naomi’s Mom had a bird funeral on Jason’s season. And even that wasn’t this bad.

At this point, it’s official. Kasey has run right past Jake and Jonathan for the “Biggest Tool in Bachelor History” award. Congrats! I’ll send you a certificate. Or maybe you can tattoo it on yourself.

Now we get a group date, and a pretty cool one if I do say so myself. Maybe it has something to do with my previous role of Nala in the Spring Lake Day Camp matinee of The Lion King. The boys find Ali in the “concrete jungle” and it’s time to sing their hearts out. Too bad that Kasey isn’t there. My guess is that by the end of this episode, Ali never ever ever ever wants to be sung to again. Just sayin.

Rico Suave wins the date and although I feel bad for Jesse because as Randy Jackson would say, “That was mad dope dawg,” it doesn’t take a brain scientist to figure out that singing TO Ali is a good decision. ABC then makes the 6 rejects watch Ali & Roberto on TV… Couldn’t you give them seats?

As per usual, Jonathan is freaking out and his panties are in full bundle mode. Can someone get him a Hi-C to calm down? And Frank doesn’t understand why his girlfriend is with someone else. Not only with someone else, but as Kirk says, Roberto’s head is in her cleavage. Yes, it is, and it’s moving down to…

Anyways… Kirk proves to be a stand-up guy by congratulating Ali & Roberto for a job well done. Disagree. If I paid $100 + for tickets to The Lion King, I’d be PISSED.

At the wrap party, Ali gets subtitles. W T F. Couldn’t you have done this earlier for Kasey? Kirk tucks Ali into bed and again, we watch Jonathan and Frank freak out a little bit more.

Now it’s time for Chris L’s date. Love him. There really isn’t much to say because it’s really normal and really cute. Their kiss worried me a little bit, needed a little more passion, but that can come later. When he discusses his Mom and rainbows, won’t lie, I cried.

In the meantime, Kasey is out on the town getting RETARDED tattooed on his forehead. Oh wait, I lied. It’s just a giant shield protecting a heart. And he has 11 stones on the shield to represent the guys left. YOU IDIOT! Are you going to cross one off each time someone goes home? I hope for Kasey’s sake that this is a temporary. He might as well have gotten Zac Efron’s face tattooed on his ass.

I can’t believe he did this. This is up there with the cheesiest tattoo’s I’ve ever seen. Worse than a trampstamp. Worse than your wifey’s name on your heart. Worse than “tribal” jazz. This is so pathetic. If there was a “Worst Tattoo’s Ever – Hall of Fame,” Kasey just got inducted.

At the rose ceremony, Jonathan decides to dig his hole even deeper and play Ali a song. Jonathan, you have ruined all chances that you have with Ali. Now you have also become “a token guitar player.”

I wish Kasey had told Ali about the tattoo during their 1-on-1 time, but instead he gives her candy. They’re also half eaten. I’d be pissed off.

Who is Chris N.? I understand that sometimes there are a few guys with less screen time. But he has had NONE. Not a peep. And this week he didn’t even get a date! WTF.

This week was filled with so much humor and absurdity that I really can’t say much more. The guys pulled off a great episode all on their own. I’m pretty sad that Jonathan went home because he provides so much natural entertainment. Kasey better step up to the plate, because with Jonathan and Craig the Token D-Bag gone, the guys are beginning to look more normal. And normal is boring.