Kissing contest and more!

Kissing contest! How exciting! If only this was immediately following the pie-eating/barfing contest…

Gia cries because she has a boyfriend and can’t kiss other boys. Ashley says she can’t participate because her gallbladder. Oh wait, that was Krisily last week. Wrong excuse! Ashley is a teacher. I respect the fact that she doesn’t want her kiddies watching her swap spit with 6 guys, but why did you come on this show?

I have no idea why Gia was in the game for half, only to quit later. If you peck guys on the lips, you’re obviously going to lose – c’mon, you’re up against Elizabeth and Natalie, who are trying to eat face. So why even play?

Nastiest girl kisser: Elizabeth. She was groaning. Why would she think that eating each guys face and slobbering might give her the big W? Anyone notice the “mmmm” sounds she made? EW. Poor Kovacs.

Kovacs makes a comment that he’s going to have to struggle through some of these kisses. I’m sorry but every one of these girls is good looking. It’s not like this is a charity case situation.

Favorite line of the season – Natalie letting us know she’d make out with all of the guys for like 20 bucks. HILARIOUS. This is why I love her.

Who can watch Weatherman without laughing? I can’t. Natalie leaves him needing a cold shower, then Elizabeth tries to beat her and proceeds to slobber all over him, then spitting in the pool after. Disgusting…

Peyton wins for the girls and David wins for the men. I’ll have to check in with my sources on how good of a kisser David is.

David’s turn to pick 3 lucky ladies…

Ashley hopes it is her. Um, it won’t be. You sat out the competition. DUH! David picks Nikki (sympathy), Krisily (she’s way too excited) and Natalie (sex).

Krisily is all up on David’s junk. She loves him. She is ready to tell him that after kissing him during the contest, she’s fallen. Terrible idea, Krisily. He does not like you. Shocker: David chooses Natalie for the overnight date.

Krisily is sad and wishes she got to tell David her feelings. Well, lucky for you, you didn’t get that opportunity. It would’ve been mortifying.

David and Natalie consummate their love in the Fantasy Suite. Now they’re a couple. Right…

Back at the PAD, Tenley is rejected by Kiptyn and freaks out to Natalie. Tenley, you’re annoying. Take it back a notch.

Peyton makes a great decision, choosing the Jesse’s and Kiptyn for her date. Jesse B. is feeling Peyton and makes sure to let her know that him and Natalie are not a couple. He’s wholesome and she’s a hoochie and he’s not down with that. Cue make out scene!

Jesse B. gets the rose and since their date was local, their fantasy suite happens to be in the PAD.

PAUSE! DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THE “LOVER’S BODY PAINT” OUTSIDE OF THE FANTASY SUITE? W T F. Nevermind the chocolates and candles… what’s up with the body paint? In the word’s of David Good – CHEESE ASS.

Gia and Wes are canoodling. Here we go! The moment we’ve all been waiting for…. “Love don’t come easy!” Wes obviously only knows one song. And this is it. If I was Gia’s boyfriend, she’d be toast. She’s fully cheating minus the physicality.

It’s time for the rose ceremony and Peyton is wearing the dress that I just bought for the Emmy’s this weekend. I look better in it. Yes, I’m going to the Emmy’s. I sure hope the Bachelor Pad people are too!

Elizabeth gets saved and Gia and the Weatherman get the boot. Definitely losing some humor with the Weatherman. Season’s always get more lame without him.

Are you an Insider or an Outsider?

Ah, this guilty pleasure I like to call “The Bachelor Pad”…

The episode kicks off with America’s Favorite Couple, Kovacs and Crazy Elizabeth, talking strategy. Kovacs has completely fallen under her spell. He now thinks that being in a couple is better than being alone. Someone quote him and engrave this on his tombstone one day.

On to the other couple, Natalie and Jesse B. This couple is dangerous, especially to him. If they stay close, the “outcast” girls will vote him off. Natalie has enough friends on the guys team that her relationship won’t matter. Luckily for Jesse, he read my blog and dumps Natalie later on.

It must be interesting to wake up with everyone. You can really see who looks good and bad. Damn, I’d love to look like Gia rolling out of bed. I’m a hot mess in the morning. I’d be voted out first. Hello morning breath!

Our first challenge is a pie eating contest – hosted by the checked shirt Chris Harrison and skinny-minny Melissa (love the dress). I’m amazed at how difficult they all made this look. IT’S EATING! C’mon girls… once upon a time, you used to eat. I am confident that I would destroy this competition. WHY DID THE GIRLS TAKE OFF THEIR SHIRTS TO EAT THE PIE? Is every competition going to be in bikini tops?

Everyone starts barfing. Shouldn’t you be disqualified once you puke? Isn’t that cheating? I hope the kissing contest is next. It comes down to Gia and Tenley, the two hottest girls [barf, eat, barf, eat] and Gia wins.

It’s the boys turns. I hope they puke a lot… that’d be funny. Craig should probably wear a headband – what if he messes up his bouffant? David is like “Whatever, this is chicken shit, bitches.” David comes in last place.

Anyone else wondering WHY can’t the girls clean their faces before 1-on-1 time with the camera? C’mon.

Craig rubs his hair in the pie. He will soon eat “L.A. Looks - No Frizz Extra Hold” gel and die of chemical consumption. Maybe he’s trying to poison himself to death since...... his nemesis THE WEATHERMAN wins!

The Weatherman takes Gwen, Peyton and Ashley on his date, all “outcasts.” Little does he know that Ashley has a secret alliance with the in-crowd. Way to go Weatherman – should’ve listened to Captain Gia! With the exception of Weatherman’s speedo, this date looked really fun. Who doesn’t like body painting? After the messy part, Weatherman begins to work these women over. I see some scheming in the forecast! He then tries to seduce Mama Gwen, but she isn’t happening and let’s us know that she doesn’t foresee this happening in a million years. #Rejected

Anyone else laugh when Gia was pulling names out of the bowl and David kept yelling, “Stir it around!” That’s man-code for play fair, Gia! She decides to take Jesse B., Craig and Wes. And her mind is already made up that Craig will get the rose. AKA, something will change and Wes will get the rose. Duh.

On their date, I’m loving her and Wes. She should probably break up with the professional hockey player and date the professional reality television villain. He’s much cooler. She gives the rose to Wes. Probably should apologize to Craig for lying… Just sayin.

Kovacs and Elizabeth are back at the PAD and she tells him that she is a DUMB SMART GIRL. Nope. You are just plain dumb. There is a difference. Cue shower sex. [BTW - Last week, I read on the Kovacs Facebook page that they were having a viewing party this week. Do you think his parents come? Awkward.]

On the other side of the pool, David and Jessie are in the hot tub about to start making out. Jessie, before you seduce David for votes, check for Krisily in the bushes listening. #yourescrewed

Jesse B. dumps Natalie and she is heartbroken. I think they’ve known each other for about 3 days at this point. Yup, that sounds about right. Bachelor time is like dog years, so that’s like 21 days. It’s LOVE. Tenley consoles her and let’s her know that she’s still a princess.

Rose Ceremony time! Natalie raided a 5 year old’s dance costume closet. Harrison, dressed up in quite the shirt/tie combination, asks Elizabeth about relationships in the house. How dare she compare her and Kovacs sexcapades to Tenley and Kiptyn’s Cinderella story? Tenley cries.

Jessie realizes that she is in danger and cries to David, begging for her life in the game. She seems real drunk and not comprehending much of what he’s saying. The Insiders should obviously keep Jessie because she’s an easy vote.

Kiptyn woo’s Nikki over before she votes, so she obviously doesn’t vote for Kiptyn. Who could vote out Kiptyn? C’mon.

Well, Canada has been defeated. Craig and Jessie are both given the boot.

This show is going to get better and better. Who are you rooting for? Do you like the Insiders or the Outsiders?

Deanna & Holly engaged to the Stagliano brothers!

It's official!

Check out US Weekly this week for details!

Jesse Csincsak is engaged!

Another Bachelor/ette proposal - Jesse, the winner from Deanna's season, is engaged to another Bachelor family member.

Read more here: http://blogs.babble.com/famecrawler/2010/08/10/the-bachelorettes-jesse-csincsak-gets-engaged/

Here is a live video from the proposal: http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2010/08/exclusive-video-watch-bachelorette-winner-jesse-csincsak-get-engaged

Is that not one of the most unexciting and unenthusiastic proposals ever? They seem sedated. She could at least scream or cry!

The Bachelor Pad begins!

The PAD has begun. This show is such a freak show, that I’m not sure I can blog with structure. This might be random thoughts, but we’ll see as weeks progress.

The limos arrive. Do we really believe that they don’t know who else is on the show with them? They’re all friends, all part of the incestuous Bachelor family… I don’t buy it.

Initial thoughts –

• Tenley is gorgeous.
• Natalie is hysterical.
• Gwen’s going to be the odd man out since she’s (gasp) almost 40!
• Juan played Nikki for a fool.
• I can’t believe Wes came back after ABC screwed him and made him look like the biggest asshole in all of Bachelor history.
• Elizabeth, why on earth did you dye your hair urine yellow?
• Michelle, did you bring your meds?
• Man I’ve missed the Weatherman! WHAT’S THE FORECAST!?
• I’m surprised they let Gia on with a boyfriend.

Everyone begins mingling. The Weatherman cracks me up. I’m so happy he’s back. He’s nervous that the girls might be jealous if he hooks up with one of them, so he’s trying to think of the right strategy and obviously stressing over it. Typical.

Clearly once the ABC memo came letting the girls know they’d be on the PAD, they all starved themselves. I would’ve too. They all look awesome. Let’s take a poll – Who would you most like to look like?

• Gia
• Tenley
• Melissa Rycroft
• Jessie S.

My vote is probably for Melissa, but it’s a close call. This could change in the next game of Twister.

Speaking of Twister… At least everyone looks awesome in their bikinis, because no one knows their right from their left. Since all of the girls want Craig to lose, he wins. Duh!

Tenley starts a rumor that Craig and Michelle hooked up. The funniest part about this is that everyone is disgusted. Fully grossed out, repulsed. Ha! No one is treating the two of them like humans. On the other hand, Natalie and Jesse start making out and it’s super cute. I wonder if Jesse packed that denim one piece. I hope he didn’t.

Craig, the biggest douche in all of Bachelor history, chooses Gwen, Elizabeth and Jessie for the date. Since Jessie is Canadian, she gets the rose. Elizabeth is PISSED. How dare he not try harder to win her over! Does she realize that she sounds like a complete psycho?

Back at the mansion, Jesse gives Elizabeth the “check yourself woman” convo and she cries. When she looks at Jesse, she sees love. When he looks at her, he sees a giant obstacle in getting $250K. He should dump her ass.

Michelle the psychopants locks Tenley in the bathroom. Tenley cries. This is not something that happens in Disney movies and Michelle is sure not a fairy princess. Tenley is totally getting her posse to vote Michelle out.

Juan decides that he should apologize to Nikki for playing her for a fool… but conveniently right before the voting ceremony. Too late Juan! Nikki has already got her gang of bitches to vote your ass out. How’s that for man code!

Elizabeth cries more and tells Jesse that he needs to express his feelings for her. She wants to find love. He wants to win money. This should get real interesting.

In the end, Krisily and Kovacs get a big scare, but it’s Juan and Michelle that get the boot. Michelle, maybe next time you’ll think twice before locking a fairy princess in the bathroom.

In perfect fashion, the Weatherman finishes the episode by saying, “Adios Juanito!” He’s the best. Man, I’ve missed him.

Okay – let’s hear it. Who are your favorites? Who do you want to hook up? Who should win the money? Leave some comments! This is going to be a great season.

Can You Feel The Love Tonight? FINALE!

Finale night! I knew what was going to happen last night, thanks to my friend Reality Steve, who once again didn’t fail to spoil the season – way to go!

Right off the bat, I cried about 8 times last night. Maybe I’m PMS-ing, but everything about Chris made me cry. On to the recap…

I think we could all tell from the beginning of the episode that Roberto was going to be the one in the end. She spoke about them differently and made a point that she was falling in love with Roberto. As for Chris, she said he could be the one for her. As perfect as he might be for her, if she doesn’t love him, it’s not perfect. It’s the good ol’ saying, “He’s great on paper.”

It’s interesting how important Ali claims her family is, because she never spoke much about them besides her grandmother. Yes, she would stress how important family is and how much she loves them, but I never heard anything specific about either sibling for example.

Luckily, Roberto and Ali’s mom both got the memo to wear turquoise and match the couch during their 1-on-1 talk. Roberto nailed family time. He was poised, smart and sincere. Ali tells her parents how romantic Roberto is, and I think she almost slips and tells her dad about their sex life. Nish nish…

Roberto asked for permission to marry Mr. Fed’s daughter, because he has known her for 4 weeks, been on 7 dates with her, and spent one night together. And duh! He’s granted permission.

Can we pause and discuss how gorgeous Tahiti is? Take me now.

It’s obvious that she’s in love with him. You can see it in her eyes while she watches him leave that day.

Chris L. has some serious work to do, but luckily he’s from Massachusetts and a Red Sox fan. He’s a shoe-in. He has so much in common with the family… Poor Chris definitely thought he had this in the bag. When Ali’s mom got all deep and asked Chris about his mom, I cried for the first time of the evening. The guy is so sincere.

Chris asks Mr. Fed for permission to marry Ali. I cry again. Her dad says something about being ORIENTATED. I think he meant oriented, anyone else?

When Chris leaves, as much as Ali seems to have a tough decision in front of her… I think we all know.

WHAT THE F*@& are Ali and Roberto thinking swimming with a mass quantity of stingrays? AHHH! I know I’m more nervous than most people (yes, my nickname was Nervous Mervous as a child) but don’t they know about that Crocodile guy who died from a stingray? This is whack.

Any hopeless romantic (me) loved the rain scene. It was hot. Let’s be serious. The date continues back at Roberto’s love shack and he gives her a picture frame. Did he make that? Bad ass. There’s no AC in the room because Roberto is dripping sweat. Not unusual.

Note: Ali tells Roberto that her heart is exploding out of her chest. The Bachelorette/Bachelor is not allowed to say I LOVE YOU before the final rose ceremony, in fear of giving the outcome away. This is the closest I’ve ever heard someone come to saying that. We know she’s choosing him.

The next day, Ali proves to be a class act, by telling Chris that she is in love with someone else (Hmm… I wonder who) and that she can’t put him through the ceremony. CLASS ACT. I give Ali so much credit. The fact that she saved Chris from ring shopping and thinking he was going to propose, that’s awesome. This was the best break-up in Bachelor history.

Chris is the best. He takes it like such a gentlemen, wishes her the best and thanks her for what she did. He deserves the most perfect girl in the whole universe. I’m already taken, so the runner up….

Sidenote: I’m crying again.

The rainbow appears. Now I’m sobbing.

Anyone thinking that Chris and Tenley would make a good couple?

Roberto meets with Neil Lane and picks a BEAUTIFUL ring. Best finale ring I’ve seen in a while. We finally get the “token shower shot” of Roberto… we knew that had to come.

Ali’s buggin. She only has ONE guy to potentially propose to her today. She’s putting all of her eggs in one basket.

Roberto tells Ali that he wants to grow old with her. I cry again. THIS GETS ME EVERYTIME! Ali laughs and laughs, and I just keep crying. THIS IS SO EMOTIONAL!

Cue the Lion King music! Genius. SO much better than “On the wings of love…”

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE!

Ali looks great and thin. Maybe I’m taking note of it because every tabloid magazine has told us how Ali lost 15 lbs post-filming… who knows. I guess while virtually dating Roberto across the country, she had a lot of time to work out.

This whole thing was pretty boring. Chris, again, proves to be a complete gentleman. They all talk about the rainbow, I sob a lot. Weeping.

Roberto and Ali seem genuine. There weren’t too many cheese-ass comments about fate and what-not and they seemed surprised that they found love on a reality TV show too.

On the next Bachelor… I guess I’ll root for Chris. It scares me because I want him to find normal love and be happy, BUT if he’d be happy as the Bachelor, I’d be happy.

Thanks for reading my blog this season! It’s been a blast. Come back next Monday for THE BACHELOR PAD! I’m sure it’ll provide tons of retardation and stupidity for writing. Lots of content!

It's Craig's fraternity and Justin is NOT invited! THE MEN TELL ALL.

I never look forward to the “Men/Women Tell All” episode because it’s never exciting and the key players usually don’t show up. This time was no different… thank god for DVR!

Ali sits down with Harrison for some 1-on-1 conversation and man is she blinging! I’m all for the sequins, but dress, headband, AND earrings? Are we at a 2nd graders dress-up birthday party or on national television? They look back at the season. I take a pita chip & hummus break.

Ali talks about not remembering dressing up like an astronaut with Kasey. Proof that Ali drank herself into a stuper to avoid speaking to Kasey on their dates. I also notice that she has light blue gum in her mouth – C’mon Ali! Take this seriously. I think it’s Winterfresh… just sayin.

It’s time to chat with the men. Who knew that Chris N. spoke? We hear more from him than we did the entire season. Craig R. is no longer “Mr. Potatohead,” now he’s “Chatty Kathy.” Kasey is back in action… I almost forgot how hard it was to understand him. And it wasn’t the wine… at this point I’m only on my first glass.

Hello Weatherman! Man how I have missed you. When he left, my blog got less funny. He is full of substance. Jonathan calls Ali mystical. His unicorn is waiting outside to give him a ride home…. Hopefully the taping is done by midnight or it’ll turn into a pumpkin!

My favorite thing about the whole night is the overwhelming bromance between the men. It’s like a big frat house and Craig R. is the president. You can immediately tell who is BFF’s with each other and who might be the outcasts (coughcough.. Jonathan).

Ty does an overall good job portraying himself throughout the night… classy and smart, not annoying. Craig R. did also. I like him more now that I know we have REAL common friends on Facebook. I say REAL because most of our common friends are other Bachelor/ette contests, and let’s be serious… As much as I think they’re my friends, they are not.

Kasey sits in the hot seat and I remember how much humor he brought the show. Jump in my heart… stay a while. Hands down my favorite line of this season. When he sang to Ali I actually laughed out loud. I’m happy that he knows what a fool he was on the show and owns up to it. It takes away a lot of the creep factor.

By the way, check out Kasey circa two years ago. Someone jumped on the frosted tips train...

Kirk sits down for his 1-on-1 time and I think he’s drunk or maybe took a few pills before the taping. OR he’s really hurt by Ali. But I doubt that. If I were him, I’d be pissed too. Frank ruined his trip to Tahiti! That’s worth a lot of monies.

I had no interest in listening to the guys bash Justin. It’s a reality show. There is always a token douchebag. Deal with it. You’re men. Craig, the fraternity president, makes it clear that he’s speaking on behalf of all of the men when he says that Justin has been blackballed from the frat. TAKE THAT RATED R!

Jessie, that random girl from Jake’s season, comes back… but only to let us know that she did what she did to guard and protect Ali’s heart. Ugh, Jessie… that’s Kasey’s role.

Ali’s hair is a HOT MESS. The women in the audience are whack. The blooper real is great.

And the best line of the night goes to Chris L. as usual, “We’re in Turkey and there’s nothing else to do but make people piss their pants.”

Okay, so we only have one week left. I don’t know about you, but I’m a little sad. If The Bachelor Pad wasn’t starting soon, you might find me in some sort of Reality Rehab. Don’t tell anyone.

I haven’t watched the 20/20 special yet because I’m trying to not let television consume my entire life. Keyword: trying. I heard it was weak, but I’ll post my thoughts once I do.

What do you think is going to happen next week? Will Ali pick Chris or Roberto? Or no one? Leave some love in the comments section!

I started a second blog – a little more professional – about food reality television. You can check it out here: http://blog.nj.com/food_tv/index.html. If you like show’s like Top Chef and Next Food Network Star, this is for you. If not, maybe you could still click it once to help with my click thru numbers. I mean, for support!