It's my birthday.

Okay kids: This week we will learn three lessons!

1. It’s Michelle’s birthday.

2. Melissa gave up EVERYTHING to be here.

3. Save the drama for yo’ mama.

Ashley H. gets the first date with Brad. In the spirit of things, she dresses for a dance recital. Brad picks her up and they take a ride in the convertible – Real rough choice for a girl’s “first date” hair. Brad pulls onto a dark road and Ashley pretends to freak out. I wish someone had jumped out in a Scream mask.

Ashley says something to the affect of “My dates always start out on deserted roads in the pitch black.” Typical… Oh wait, sorry, she said they don’t.

The date looks fun – give me some cotton candy, wine and carnival games and I’ll have a blast too. Brad and Ashley’s first kiss looked decent enough… I wasn’t paying too close attention… Was distracted by Ashley’s arms. She must be on the Jessica Biel Workout Plan.

We then learn that like Brad, Ashley H. has “Daddy Issues” too. This is SO meant to be! Both of our Dads were bad ones! Like, Oh My God! Brad feels so much lighter after their conversation. He probably just passed some “post-roller coaster gas.”

Back at the house, we find out that the group date is a biggy – 15 girls! This is NOT what Michelle was imagining for her birthday party. She emerges as the early psycho. Melissa, the other contender for early psycho let’s us know that she is BRINGING IT for the date. Oh yes Melissa, please do just that. We also learn that Melissa gave up EVERYTHING and quit her job to be here. WHAT?! You quit your job at the Waffle House? How could you!

Seriously Melissa, I don’t mean to degrade your career, but you’re a freaking waitress. My mom even texted me during the show and said, “I hate the waitress who keeps saying she quite her job 2 b here! She was a waitress… How hard is it to get another job at Dennys or the Pancake House?” Well said Mom, well said.

Group date starts and I first think that the date is all about giving blood. WTF. Bloods great and all, but that sure is not my idea of a date. Sign me up for one of those concerts or beach days. Oops, I’m wrong… It’s only a PSA shoot for the American Red Cross. I HATE these acting dates. Can not stand them.

It’s Michelle’s birthday and this is not what she wished for, so she’s going to throw a temper tantrum and not play. Stacey and Emily share so much spit through Brad on their 328 takes that they should have just made out and saved some time. Then Brit decides to eat Brad’s face. All in all, that’s the date.

The after party (which is the same place that Jake went with his ladies after their Glamour shoot) is on an LA hotel rooftop. Let’s hope no one fakes a tequila shot #mancode. Michelle pins down Brad and tells him that she thinks he has walls up. I think she’s had one too many martinis. She’d also like to peel all of his layers. Is that legal? Brad tells her that his biggest fear is ending up alone. My biggest fear is ever being as big of a pansy as Brad.

Back at the part-ay, the Manscaper and the Waffle House Waitress are fighting. So boring… at least get a litter dirtier. Brad gives his rose to Michelle, because IT’S HER BIRTHDAY. Also, because she threatened to peel all of his layers. Michelle then does a really creepy rose dance in the pool and I feel violated.

Jackie gets the one-on-one date and that leaves Ashley S, Lindsay Lohan and some blonde that I’ve never seen before for no dates.

Jackie and Brad do the whole “Pretty Woman” thing. Nice date. Just nice. I have nothing to say. Rose. The end.

Michelle grabs Brad at the cocktail party. She is one crazy bitch. Starbucks or Coffee Bean? What’s in your fridge? Water? OMG me too! Eggs? Me too! This is getting too crazy. What are the freaking chances Brad? She’s got to be the one.

Manscaper and Waffle House Waitress continue their battle at the party and start to pull everyone into it. Hey guys, you’re both not attractive and really annoying. The chances of you making it much further are real slim. You might as well stop embarrassing yourselves.

Melissa – how about don’t eat onion pizza? Or brush your teeth. You’re actually IN the house that you’re living in. I assume you have a toothbrush.

Random thought: Meghan, the fashion chic, what’s with the necklace? Where do you actually work? I’m trying not to judge.

Ali and Roberto make a boring appearance and decide to give Emily the rose… wish we could’ve at least seen them talking.

Roses go to the usual suspects. All of the ladies that didn’t get a date actually got a rose. I was surprised… Who was that blonde girl? I swear the first thing she said was “It’s like Christmas!” when she got the rose. Yes Sarah, just like Christmas.

Waffle House Waitress & Manscaper got the boot – shocker. I sure hope Friendly’s is hiring! And Keltie. At least she lets us know that she’s completely desperate, even dating at work didn’t work! No kidding Keltie… you’re a Rockette.

So, who are your favorites? Are you looking forward to Emily’s emotional chat with Brad next week? Would you have kept Michelle or is she getting too crazy for you? Let me know your thoughts in the comments section!

THERAPY WITH BRAD WOMACK - THE BACHELOR

So glad to be back! I've missed this blog...

Off to another season of bikinis, heartbreak and journeys. Luckily, this season will feature a new specialty – THERAPY. We kick off the episode with our usual male montage – abs, shower scene and extensive topless workouts.

Unfortunately, I didn’t see Brad’s first season of The Bachelor, so I’m not AS sick of seeing him dump Jenni and Deanna as most. But seriously, this is absurd. We’ve all seen it multiple times. No more.

We get to meet a few of the girls. Initial thoughts:

1. Ashley H is a dentist. She also needs new eyebrows and dances in her underwear.
2. It’s a good thing they aren’t posting the ages this season. Ashley S. is 17 and just got her GED. She’ll be 18 and legal just in time for the Fantasy Suites.
3. Chantal seems normal. She works for her Dad and is divorced. Do I see a Daddy’s brat here? Vienna Part II?
4. Rachel is a manscaper. She waxes. Maybe she could meet Ashley H. who needs a good eyebrow waxer?
5. Meghan, one of our worst dressed ladies, is in fashion. Go figure!
6. And Madison, well her audition tape for Twilight: Eclipse was accidently mailed to ABC The Bachelor. And the rest is history.
7. We’re introduced to Emily from North Carolina. Emily’s story has now reached into the hearts of the entire audience and she’s our new fan favorite. Hello: Kiptyn, Tenley, Deanna, Chris L … welcome Emily to the Fan Fav club!

Brad and Chris Harrison sit down for their 1-on-1 before the women arrive and Brad continues to talk about his issues and therapy sessions. Note to Brad: Brad, you do not have any issues for not proposing to someone that you knew for 6 weeks while dating 25 women. This is normal. You should sue ABC to reimburse you for all of your therapy sessions.

SHOCKER! Deanna and Jenni are here. This is the 7^th and final step in Brad’s recovery process. He must face the music. Nice to see our girl Deanna, but c’mon, b-o-r-i-n-g.

Limo time! My impressions…

1. First up, Chantal – ROCKIN’ those pit stains. My kinda girl! Someone obviously paid her to slap him. Not so shocking once we’ve seen it previewed daily on ABC.
2. Kimberly – You can’t do sparkles AND cleavage. Pick one. You’re annoying me before you even speak.
3. Ashley S – You’re definitely younger than me. Could Brad technically be your Dad? Yes.
4. Meghan – Again, our fashion girl with a big fashion faux pas. Ditch the shoes.
5. Lisa – Not sure how I feel about your ruby red shoes, but the self tanner explosion is definitely unfortunate.
6. J – Use your full name. Is it Jennifer? Don’t be ashamed about having the most generic name next to Mike and Chris. Embrace it.
7. Keltie – The Rockette on crack.
8. Emily – Someone get Brad a defibrillator. He might have stopped breathing.
9. Britt – Hi Britt. Meet Michelle. She’s a hairdresser and should help you.

This is the most boring first night cocktail party ever. No wasted girls. No “Who Is Here For The Wrong Reason?” box. All we hear about was Brad defending his decision to not propose to someone he didn’t love. Note to girls: If you have a brain, you should be happy that Brad will not propose for the sake of TV. This is called honorable. Google it.

Brad talks a lot about his intensive/extensive therapy. How intensive was it Brad? What does that really mean?

Memorable moments:

1. Brad really enjoys his time with Ashley S. She doesn’t care about his past because she was in junior high school and couldn’t watch the season yet.
2. Manscaper puts her gloves on and gets ready for a prostate. Oh, sorry, she’s just waxing his wrist.
3. Jackie pulls the token “make up a song card,” but unfortunately it’s not as serious and amusing as last season’s Kasey.
4. Renee and Alli with the big butt play the stealing game. You both lose. Crazy bitches never win.
5. Watching Renee’s 1-on-1’s get cut in on is hysterical.
6. Brad’s time with Emily is different than most. He’s much more focused on her and wondering about every single word coming out of her mouth.
7. Brad is MAD about Vampire’s fangs. He’s questioning if she is here for the right reasons or if she sent her tape to the wrong ABC show instead.
8. Brad spends some time with Michelle the hairdresser. Michelle is a woman, not a girl. If you didn’t know. She’s not a little girl. She has a little girl, but she is NOT a little girl. Did you get that?

Brad gives the first impression rose to his daughter, Ashley S.

Rose ceremony wasn’t very surprising. You knew he’d keep some weirdos like Vampire & Big Booty Alli. Anyone notice that the girls that get kicked off first are always the cockiest? And always have the best personalities.

Also, is Emily wearing her engagement ring still? Anyone catch that?

The season preview looks great. I hope it gets a little funnier and less “intensive therapy” focused because I need some good laughs. Right now it’s like watching Sober Sally.

So – Who is your early favorite? Who needs to go? Leave me your thoughts and any suggestions for this season! Looking forward to blogging every week!

Reality Steve does it again!

It's been a while, guys! We're less than one month out from the premiere of The Bachelor and I for one CAN NOT WAIT.

Reality Steve posted his season spoilers today -http://realitysteve.com/2010/12/08/all-your-bachelor-spoilers-for-brads-season/. He breaks down the entire season with each elimination. If you're into spoilers, I'd check this out! Pretty impressive.

Don't worry - I won't spoil anything here.

The countdown begins!

Brad is back!

So, Brad Womack is officially the next Bachelor.... Again.

Was that the most anticlimatic Dancing with the Stars announcement ever? It wasn't even exciting. No one was surprised, since Reality Steve broke this news last week... at least I wasn't.

Are you happy? Annoyed that he's getting another chance?

I didn't watch Brad's first season, so this is a "new" Bachelor to me.

Let me know what you think! Only a few months left!!!

THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA SHARE WITH YA!

Okay, was this not the best finale ever?! Before we start, I’d like to give out a few superlatives:

Dumbest: We have a tie!

Jessie S – for going home with David after the finale aired, after acting like a hard ass AND voting for him.

Michelle – for acting like Tenley murdered your first born child. It was a rumor. Grow up!

Elizabeth – for trying to defend yourself against a guy that DOES NOT LIKE YOU on TV. You will not win this one.

Most Improved: Another tie!

Peyton – loving the new hair-do!

Krisily – looking hot, I must say.

Cutest Couple:

Wes & Gia – Maybe I’m a sucker for “Love Don’t Come Easy” but I’m loving them together. Maybe I have a girl crush on her. Who knows…

Best Line of the night:

Natalie, “That’s why I’m gonna share it with ya!”

On to the episode…

The Dancing With The Stars competition was boring. We all knew that Tenley was going to take the cake and it doesn’t surprise me that ABC made this the final challenge, since they love “Kip-Ten.”

The best part of the whole competition was Kovacs drooling over Edyta. Or maybe David “Man Code” Good dancing with Louis van Amstel. Or maybe watching Elizabeth poop her pants thinking that Edyta is hotter than her… which she is. She’s literally watching them dance, about to start foaming at the mouth. I feel like she’s about to turn into a werewolf. Maybe I should stop watching Twilight…

Oh wait! We can’t forget Louis comparing David and Natalie’s dance moves to doggy style. Classic! I wonder if he’ll use that this season with Margaret Cho…

One of the brainiacs says that “This is just like Dancing with the Stars!” Yes. Except that you’re in a driveway, there is no audience and you aren’t a star.

All of the dances were weird. Tenley and Kiptyn were clearly the best, but who wished she stopped saying, “Smile!” throughout the dance to Kip? Elizabeth and Jesse were pitiful. Their music sounded like something you’d listen while on hold for the dentist and Kovacs misses Edyta. Dave & Natalie look fun, but there isn’t much talent. Although Judge Jake thinks they tried “dang hard.” Oh man, I wish I blogged Jake’s season. Talk about content!

Kip-Ten wins (I can’t believe I just endorsed that name) and Elizabeth is sad that her fairytale is going to end. Maybe next time she’ll learn that this show is about money, not love. Jesse tries the whole, “Vote for us, we suck!” tactic, but nope.

Goodbye Kovacs & Elizabeth!

LIVE FINALE!

I think everyone went about 3 shades too dark in the spray tan booth, right? Or is my screen just heavy on the orange this week?

Quick thoughts: Melissa’s dress is quite va-va-voom… But I’ve gotta give it to her – She looks awesome for a few months pregnant. Not feeling her ponytail though… Gia looks hot as usual. Elizabeth, SERIOUS improvement with the hair color. Now let’s hope it fades a bit.

Elizabeth – Note to self: When you’re trying to act like you’ve moved on from someone, don’t throw out the, “If anyone wants to date a player” comment… It makes you look pathetic. Especially when he doesn’t seem to care.

Who is LOVING Gia and Wes and their kiss session? Me!

Once again, Jessie S. is deciding to come out of the woodwork and be chatty. First, she goes off on a rampage about Dave. Then, she went home with him after the finale. Classy!

I’m so over the Nikki-Kiptyn saga. Yes, Nikki, you saved him. But so did Tenley technically. It’s a game. Pipe down.

Why are Chris and Melissa standing behind these creepy podiums?

We then hear why everyone should get $250k. Pretty normal responses, assisted by some comments from the peanut gallery. Excuse me Gwen? You’d like to admit that you’re 39 now? I thought it was pretty cool of Dave to be honest with her. David: "If you're in your 30's and on a reality dating show, it's ____." Let's all help David fill in the awkward blank. *Desperate *Sad *Pathetic *Creepy *Weird *Unfortunate *Silly

I think that Kiptyn would have had a much better chance if he wasn’t with Tenley.

Time for votes! (And my commentary)

Craig M – Kiptyn & Tenley

Weatherman – Kiptyn & Tenley

Jessie S. – David & Natalie (She’s looking to hook-up with Dave.)

Krisily – David & Natalie (She’s looking to hook-up with Dave.)

Peyton – David & Natalie (All thanks to Natalie being her friend when Peyton felt like an outcast)

Jesse B – David & Natalie

Juan – Kiptyn & Tenley (He’s proving a man-code point that he will not ever endorse David.)

Gwen – Kiptyn & Tenley (She’s bitter that Dave called her desperate.)

Ashley – David & Natalie

Michelle – David & Natalie (Psycho.)

Nikki – David & Natalie (Karma’s a bitch, Kip!)

Wes – I GOT YA BROTHER. (Runner up for best line of the night… Did anyone else get a little emotional?)

Kovacs comes in for the hug… This is fabulous! I’m giddy. I’ll assume that Gia, Elizabeth and Kovacs all voted for David & Natalie also.

Once Harrison talks about the next steps and announces the possibility of the rejects getting money, Juan and Weatherman insta-hug. Seriously?! What could be creepier?

Natalie & Dave contemplate. Then we get our happy ending, with Natalie saying, “THAT’S WHY I'M GONNA SHARE WITH YA!”

Okay, who is going to miss this show SO much? Who would you have voted for? What show should I blog next? We have a few months until the next Bachelor, so send some suggestions! Thanks for reading!

Let's go on a rocketship!

In the words of Chris Harrison, “Everything is about to change.” He definitely says this once each season. All of the girls get nervous. Elizabeth is worried that she may have to leave Kovacs. How about the money!? Get your head in the game.

The girls get all decked out for their daytime challenge. Someone must have told them it wasn’t a pie eating contest. The “single” girls must feel pretty stupid for being anti-couples. This is a no brainer.

Nikki… You really think Kiptyn will pick you? Tenley saved him just as much as you did. I wish the guys wouldn’t pretend they might not pick their girlfriends. It’s wasting my time.

Ashley, Nikki and Gwen leave heartbroken. They didn’t find love or money. Maybe you shouldn’t have jumped on the “Bash Couples Fest 2010” train.

Time for the first couples challenge. Everyone is strategizing.

Natalie hopes it’s a swimming race – haha.

Elizabeth and Jesse brainstorm and see who knows more about each other. REMIND ME WHY ELIZABETH DIDN’T WIN “MOST DUMB” !??! She takes memory pills.

We hear Tenley talk about being in love and fairy princesses. Kip-Ten… I have no words.

Jesse is picking an ingrown hair with a screw.

This challenge was really lame and boring. Luckily, my favorite couple wins. The orange team (P&J) are probably going home and Peyton is blaming it on herself.

Natalie and David await their date card. Tenley suspects they’ll be going in a rocket. Tenley, I would like to shoot you into outerspace in a rocketship throughout this entire episode. Stop eating so much candy and get off the happy train. You’re driving me crazy!

Elizabeth and Jesse spot the Lamborghini in the driveway and decide to “christen” it. Does anyone wonder if Elizabeth watches the show with her parents? Her dad must be proud!

Dave and Natalie start their drive on the PCH. How much more likeable is Dave this season!?! They bond over some sushi and sake, and we get to see the softer side of Dave. I loved hearing what they’d each do with their money and how appreciate Natalie is of her parents.

They talk strategy and Dave makes it clear that he can beat Kovacs at ANYTHING. He only played baseball in college. Dave played everything else.

Back at the PAD, Elizabeth and Jesse sneak off into the fantasy suite. Again – Your. Parents. Would. Be. Proud. Elizabeth annoys Kovacs and keeps telling him that she wants romance. Um, hello! He brought chocolate and champagne. That’s pretty romantic for the Bachelor.

Tenley knows they’re doing it because she went upstairs and it “smelled good.” EW! Wouldn’t it smell bad? T.M.I.

The rose ceremony is interesting and truthfully, I wasn’t sure which way it would go. I thought that it might even come down to a tie, but in the end, Peyton and Jesse got the boot. Natalie and Tenley made the right move, because they need their partners trust.

I’m also not sure I think Elizabeth and Jesse are such a threat. They know a lot about each other, but that is it. They haven’t won anything yet. If I were playing, I’d get rid of Tenley and Kiptyn because they’re likeable. Don’t these people watch Survivor?

Who is your pick to win? I’m rooting for Dave and Natalie.

Bachelor Pad Superlatives!

This week’s Bachelor Pad was really lacking in the humor department. I didn’t LOL once. Too serious! Sorry that my blog is two days late – my mom and I went to the Emmy’s this weekend and just got back on Tuesday. There’s a picture below incase anyone wants to see us glammed up!


I think it was pretty obvious from the beginning that Wes was going home. He basically committed PAD suicide by defending Gia’s honor once she was gone. Give it up! To gather his thoughts and re-compose, Wes takes a dip in the hot tub in his briefs. Everytime we see people like Gwen or Ashley, I can’t help but wonder why they’re still there. White rice… they bring nothing to the table.

Time for the cruel survey. Tenley obviously cries while filling it out. She really pushes the annoying envelope this episode. This game was harsh, but I think it could’ve been worse. Like – Most likely to have an STD, Most likely to sleep with your boyfriend/girlfriend, Ugliest, etc.

Natalie is hysterical. She was honored when she thought she was being voted dumbest, but then devastated when she got “always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” Basically she got voted “Biggest Flirt.” It’s not the end of the world. I was “Biggest Flirt” in my 8th grade superlatives! I actually thought Nikki was going to get that one and have a mental breakdown.

Elizabeth was voted the most shallow, but no worries because she doesn’t even know what shallow means. Idiot. And her boob job is pretty bad. Kovacs should have sucked it up and been honest. At least they’d both be safe!

Tenley and Jesse B. win and they each get a one-on-one date. It’s obvious who they’re going to pick, so the rest of the episode was pretty boring. Too similar to the Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Back inside, the girls are all crying and freaking out about the game. Momma Gwen comforts Natalie and Kovacs realizes that he loves Elizabeth. Dave is sitting on the couch wondering how he can used his “Most Crushed On” status to dominate the game. I’m sure the girls that didn’t have their names written at all feel really awkward at this point.

Prince Charming and Cinderella leave for their date and we learn it’s Kip’s first helicopter ride. WHAT?! How is this possible? He was on the Bachelorette! Tenley keeps using cheesy terms like “leap of faith” and she’s losing any hope I had for her rapidly. Her energy is overwhelming. I feel like I’m playing CandyLand or something. The date is boring. They tell each other that they have crushes on each other. The end.

Jesse and Peyton’s date was much funnier. Peyton introduces Jesse to a martini. We knew that he was going to be wasted and it’s all downhill from there. Jesse chugs it and starts pig-fest 2010. Peyton is upset that he’s acting like this – Hello! Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten him so drunk. No love going on for these two tonight.

At the rose ceremony, David and Kovacs are at the mercy of Kiptyn, because if it’s a tie, he’ll be the swing vote and vote out Elizabeth. They flip their vote and screw Krisily.

Next week looks pretty entertaining, and I have a good idea of what is going to happen.

Tell me – Who would you give the 250k to? Are you rooting for the couples or the loners?